


highlight

by haetnimie



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: College AU, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Romance, Slow Burn, lapslock, rated t for some cursing but it's mild, slow burn is there but sort of?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2019-08-08
Packaged: 2019-09-12 06:23:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 23,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16867786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haetnimie/pseuds/haetnimie
Summary: soonhoon college au where soonyoung starts sleeping in jihoon's room because his roommate is a loud drunk. they get closer as a result, as well as other shenanigans with their group.





	1. hello. (i want to say hello.)

**Author's Note:**

> so first fic? i know there's a lot of college aus, but ig this is my own take on it. there's some minor ships (jeongcheol, meanie, verkwan) thrown in here and there.

his name is lee jihoon. he likes eating five bowls of rice in one sitting, sleeping the day away, anime, and playing mobile games. he goes to pledis university, tucked in the heart of seoul, though his hometown is busan. he’s a second year in the music program, and his major emphasizes composition and production. he lives in the eastern residential building, floor two, room 137. he resides in a single room all by himself, decor including his precious guitar, the cans of black coffee and soda on the floor, and the miniature figurines that line up in front of his computer.

he absolutely despises disturbances.

the knocks that snap him out of his late-night trance come in sporadic rounds, ranging from one to two billion with no attainable pattern. he stares at the door from his desk, absolutely, positively irritated — who the hell is awake at 2am? (not that he’s one to talk, the fucking hypocrite.)

he thought that prolonging in opening the door would eventually drive the person away, but it’s no use — they’re persistent. stupidly stubborn. after what seemed like an entire day, he swivels out of his chair, taking off his headphones (he was watching a ‘if you know all of these anime songs, you’re probably a 90s kid’ video, and he was about to go the fuck off to ‘butter-fly’ with whatever energy he had left in his sleepy body) and mumbling about the inconvenience of getting up, putting on his most annoyed face.

he swings the door open, and the person that stands in front of his dorm is someone a bit (a _bit_ , he’ll give them that) taller than him, with black hair that seems to suit him all too well and eyes that blink back with some sort of twinkle — damn, what kind of cliche shit was that, lee jihoon? the boy gives him a rather innocent smile, face scrunching like a hamster. he’s never seen him before. he’s too damn tired to even think of any further thought about him.

“uh, sorry — jihoon? you’re jihoon, the one on the name plate right?” the boy laughs a bit airily, one hand scratching the back of his head while the other points to the sign next to his door which _did_ say lee jihoon, right under the 137. “i know this is kinda weird because we don’t know each other…but do you think i can sleep in your room for the night?”

“…huh.” jihoon moves the bits of hair hanging in front of his forehead so he can hear again, because that’s definitely how ears work at this ungodly hour.

“yeah, my roommate came home a bit…well, actually… _hella_ drunk.” the stranger explains, blinking past the sleep-deprived boy and into the room. “you live in a single? i can sleep on the floor…where’s the floor?”

“not to sound rude” — as if his voice wasn’t sharp enough — “but can you go somewhere else?”

“uh…” the boy’s eyes dart to the left, to the right, and finally back down — _down_ , what the fuck was he so tall for? — at jihoon, who waited with a pout on his face. “no one else answered.”

maybe — and not to sound like he’s in some drama or something, using common words and thoughts and literally everything else when this crosses his mind — it was the fact that it was two in the fucking morning, his body weighed down by how worn out he was, too tired to try and figure this situation out any further — _whatever_ the hell it was, he finds himself nodding, stepping aside and grumbling, “fine, you can come in. use my bed.”

“are you sure…?” the stranger cautiously steps in, eyebrow rising when he steps on a can underneath his feet, to which jihoon kicks it to the side, closing the door and already hobbling back to his computer. “where are you going to sleep?”

“my desk, i guess.” jihoon shrugs, plopping back into his chair and turning to the screen, which he switches to audio files and music software so as to not seem that big of a weeb. “i pass out here all the time so you’re fine. i hardly use my bed.”

“that’s…i know i’m not one to talk because i’m here late, but shouldn’t you get some sleep, too?” the boy asks, sitting at the edge of jihoon’s bed and looking concerned. he wants to know what for, but he’s too tired to ask.

“it’s the weekend. i have the whole day to do that.”

“well.” the boy lies down, head on jihoon’s pillow. he’s a bit too tall for jihoon’s blanket, and he has to curl up into a ball to utilize it. _a hamster_ , jihoon thinks again, unable to think of a follow-up thought. “thanks for this, jihoon. i owe you one.”

“it’s whatever.”

before he hears any response, he slips his headphones back on, forcing himself to work on his latest song before passing out five minutes later.

* * *

he finds out that the boy’s name is kwon soonyoung, and he lives on the same floor, room 135. jihoon wakes up to a note on his bed that he picks up groggily, sun shining through the window and the clock telling him that it was ten in the morning.

_jihoon —_

_thanks for letting me sleep here. i cleaned your room for you, but if that’s not enough repayment, feel free to text me or ask me about it (i’m in room 135). i can treat you to some food!_

_kwon soonyoung  
017-XXX-XXXX_

he looks around, and he finds the cans of his caffeine beverages have completely vanished, and that his bed was made — or there was an attempt at that, at least. it was still a bit messy, the flap of the blanket not fully folded, but that’s a minor detail. it’s better than how he leaves it at any given day.

well, that was enough for him. thinking about it any more would grow to be too troublesome. he shrugs, putting the note on his desk without the intention of asking for anything more.

* * *

“oh my _god_ — hyung, was he cute?”

it was such a mistake to tell mingyu literally _anything_.

“fuck if i know. didn’t pay much attention.” jihoon’s plowing through his second bowl of rice, ignoring everything else for the most sacred grain in existence. the dining hall’s rice isn’t exactly like back home, but he’ll take what he can get. “why does it matter anyway? on second thought, why did i even tell you?”

“because i’m your favorite dongsaeng?”

“you’re still using that excuse?” seungkwan says from the side, a look of disbelief on his face. “you have no sense at all.”

mingyu looked like that one pikachu meme for a minute.

“still, i’m kind of surprised? our jihoonie actually did something nice for once?” jeonghan smiles a little too cheekily to his side, nudging jihoon with his elbow. “this could be _the start of something new_.”

“ugh, this is so _stupid_.” jihoon buries his face in his hands, groaning at his friends’ reactions. “and ‘high school musical’? really? you’re going to use that against me?”

“ _bet on it_.”

“you’re not going to ask him for food?” mingyu finally pipes up, and the look on his face is way too suspicious. “now _that’s_ surprising. i wouldn’t take you for one that’d pass up free food.”

_holy shit_.

“free food…” the rice practically falls out of jihoon’s mouth, and jeonghan laughs as he wipes it off the table. hook, line, and sinker.

“got him.” mingyu laughs, holding up a hand for a high five from seungkwan — only the boy only blinks at him before continuing to eat his food, and mingyu sighs, picking up his spoon and playing with his soup. “every time.”

* * *

  ** _kwon fire_ ** _created the group chat_ **_jam jam ft. soundcloud rapper_**

**soundcloud rapper  
**Soonyoung, what the fuck.

**kermit the frog  
** why is your roommate part of this gc  
he’s not even part of the group?

 **kwon fire  
** wonwoo you know this producer right  
i was thinking that maybe  
you can ask him to meet up with us  
kinda wanna have him  
make a song for us to dance to :)

**chili pepper emoji  
**omg c’est génial!

**kermit the frog  
**aren’t you like close to failing french

**chili pepper emoji  
**wow tais-toi why don’t u

**know fire  
** knee ways  
so wonwoo  
do you think  
you can  
ask  
him

 **soundcloud rapper  
** First of all, stop spamming me?  
Second of all, ‘anyways’ is not correct. It’s ‘anyway’.  
Third of all, I’ll see what I can do.  
He’s a little stubborn about these types of things.

**kwon fire  
**lol yeah he is pretty small

**kermit the frog  
** what

**soundcloud rapper  
**What.

**chili pepper emoji  
**quoi

**kermit the frog  
**did you use up all the french words you know

**chili pepper emoji  
**oui

* * *

jihoon does, indeed, do a little personal work under the name ‘woozi’ on soundcloud. ‘simple’ was his first upload, received rather mildly, followed by the slightly better received ‘with you’. he doesn’t really care; just the fact that some people were listening was enough for him, and he never really figured that his big break would be through soundcloud.

however, he _was_ surprised to see his name shoot up quite a bit when he collaborates with the university’s hip hop group, fronting. he creates a song titled after their namesake, even featuring in it for a few seconds, and the plays go _wild_. he didn’t think he could reach such a big audience, but he supposes it’s also fronting’s influence in general that catapults him into some sort of spotlight.

the leader, seungcheol, often enlists him for songs after that, and songs such as ‘monday to saturday’ and ‘ah yeah’ makes woozi gain quite the considerable following.

it’s through the frequent collaborations that he gets to know vernon, seungkwan’s friend; mingyu, a fucking skyscraper that seems to follow him around like a puppy; and wonwoo, the only one with a brain cell in the group, because even if jihoon’s known seungcheol since high school, he’ll quickly admit that he isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, using the wrong side of an axe to try and chop wood once.

he’s working on their latest song, ‘lean on me’, when he remembers mingyu’s words from earlier. “ _free food_ ”. his stomach grumbles, and when he checks the clock, he realizes that it’s eight in the evening, the prime time to sit down and eat some dinner.

he could go for some fried chicken right now.

he picks up his phone, looking at the note he dismissed so easily earlier with a keen eye this time. he types in the number, writes a quick text, takes a deep breath, and presses send.

_017-XXX-XXXX_

**jihoon  
** hey, this is jihoon from last night  
if you don’t mind, can i take up that offer for food?

 **017-XXX-XXXX  
** oh shit, really??  
let me get ready  
prob ten mins  
where do you wanna go?

 **jihoon  
** kinda wanna get some fried chicken downtown  
take your time, i’m the one asking for food

 **017-XXX-XXXX  
** omg no you did such a huge favor for me last night!!  
i’ll meet u in front of ur dorm in a few?

 **jihoon  
** ok  
don’t knock so much this time though

he makes sure to click save on the audio file before he _himself_ gets ready. he isn’t exactly too concerned about fashion, so what he throws on is his red jacket, a black shirt, and some sweats. perfect and comfortable. he could probably sleep in these later tonight, too.

soonyoung knocks after his predicted ten minutes — calmly this time, and when he opens the door, he gives his… _squishy_ smile alongside a thumbs up. “ready?”

“sure.”

“we’re taking my car!” soonyoung swings his keys around his pointer finger, and when jihoon gives a skeptical eyebrow raise, he’s quick to defend himself. “oh my god, are you doubting my driving? contrary to popular belief, i’m an _exceptional_ driver!”

* * *

“okay, mister _exceptional driver_ , where the _fuck_ are we?”

“uh…not the fried chicken place.” soonyoung laughs, parking his car in a somewhat empty parking lot, squinting and checking his phone’s gps. “i _am_ a pretty good driver — i’m just no good in following directions.”

“you turned right when you were supposed to turn left.”

“…right.”

“twice.”

“well! i’m sure we can figure something out.” soonyoung taps on the steering wheel, lost in thought for what seemed like centuries. “do you still want fried chicken?”

“at this point, i just want _anything_.” jihoon pats his stomach, who roars in response, and soonyoung lets out an amused snort, putting his car into drive again.

“got it. there’s a ramen place nearby, and it’s pretty good. hey, do you mind if i play some music?”

“go ahead.”

soonyoung turns on the radio, and —

“oh my god, _shinee’s back_!”

the rest of the car ride is spent with soonyoung singing to ‘sherlock’ — an excellent choice, by the way. he wouldn’t think much of it, but…

there’s something about soonyoung’s voice that captures him a bit. it’s strong. he’s inclined to listen; he’s a _little_ ( _a lot_ ) interested in it, but he’d rather not bore himself with something that seems like it’d come out the script of the usual romance stories. all he knows is that he’s intrigued, that he wouldn’t be opposed to hearing it again.

…fuck, maybe he already _was_ in some cliche k-drama.

* * *

he errs from mentioning anything about last night when he sits with his friends for lunch the next day. ‘stranger’ and ‘dinner’ in the same sentence would be enough to send his entire friend group into a frenzy — he witnessed it when seungkwan brought about the name ‘vernon’ a while back, jeonghan playful throwing air quotes around ‘friend’ when seungkwan gives him such a description.

instead, he starts eating his rice in silence, the usual for him most of the time — and he’s glad that’s so, so as not to seem like he’s drifting off into other thoughts. a tiny portion of his brain devotes itself to playing back soonyoung’s singing, still unique to his ears. he remembers the ramen; it was absolutely delicious, and he’ll have to ask him for the address at some point. they did indulge in some small talk, but mores soonyoung for some apparent reason, and jihoon learned that he was a second year astronomy major. there was a tangent about constellations that jihoon thought was pretty interesting, but he had to apologize mentally because he couldn’t quite keep track of it with how fast soonyoung was talking.

(it was kind of cute, though?)

“…jihoon, did you hear that?”

“what?” jihoon snaps out of the flashback, looking around the table before noticing the shadow that had been cast on his food. he looks up, and he finds wonwoo standing in front of the table, trying to look expectant of his answer, though he very well knows that the boy wasn’t listening. “wonwoo, what are you doing here?”

“of course.” wonwoo shakes his head, but he repeats himself. “my friend is in a dance group, and he’d like to know if you could perhaps consider making a song for them.”

“a song…” jihoon tilts his head a little. “i dunno, my workload’s pretty…”

“yeah, yeah, i get that.” wonwoo nods, and jihoon is reminded again of how sane wonwoo keeps him when meeting with the hip hop team. “i told him that it’d be pretty difficult, but my friend’s dance team is pretty good. they’ve gone to several competitions, actually. you don’t have to decide now, but how about going to one of their practices? you can see how they dance and go from there.” he pauses, thinking a bit about the last part. “i know i shouldn’t exactly be pushing this on you, but this might be something pretty good for the both of you.”

“hyung can make any type of music~ you should go!” seungkwan pokes jihoon with the end of his fork, smiling.

“yeah, you can experiment and stuff,” jeonghan adds, not pestering him for once.

“…what’s with all of these comments? i’ve already made up my mind.” jihoon laughs a bit, eating a bit more rice before looking up at wonwoo. “i’ll go check them out.”

* * *

wonwoo said that the group usually practices in one of the rec center’s dance studios, room 17A. they start at around five, and when jihoon checks his phone, it’s exactly that. with that in mind, there isn’t much hesitation in opening the door, letting himself in quietly.

the dance group — which wonwoo told him was named jam jam — seemed to consist of four people, familiar black hair sticking out the most from the group.

“…soonyoung?”

the boy turns around, defeating every single lightbulb with his bright smile alone. he’s in practice clothes (some loose shirt and sweats), but the energy he exudes is unlike any other in this specific room. it made jihoon curious.

“jihoon! hold on a minute, wonwoo told me woozi was coming today…are you — ?”

“we have a _celebrity_ in here?” one of the boys tilts his head, smiling in a rather cheeky manner. “good job, kwon soonyoung!”

“i like your work! i play ‘simple’ a lot.” a rather slim boy with a rather stylish mullet chimes in, giving a thumbs up.

“oh, so this is the guy!” the youngest turns around, scratching the back of his head. “i don’t even go here, but i do know about him!”

“so this is jun, minghao, and my little brother, chan,” soonyoung says, pointing to each one. “even though chan’s still in high school, he’s part of the dance team because he practically screamed and kicked his way in.”

“the one at our school sucks,” chan replies. what a talkative kid.

“we’re jam jam!” soonyoung sticks out his hand, and jihoon shakes it, even though the introduction wasn’t exactly necessary. “we’re glad you’re here, woozi.”

“if you’re here, that means you’re considering it, right?” jun seems easily excitable, practically bouncing in his seated position on the floor. “producing a song for us? we’ll shoot up the dance scene for sure!”

“well…i guess.” jihoon shrugs, eyeing soonyoung more than the others — why? “i’m here to just watch you practice for now.”

soonyoung winks. “but you’re really considering it, aren’t you?”

meeting soonyoung’s eyes was quite difficult. there was something in them, a certain trait that couldn’t be described with just a word or two. there was a fire in them that screamed determination; there was something luring jihoon in with an excessive amount of charm. both held their hands in unison, and it rendered jihoon defenseless in having any sort of front.

why was that?

“maybe. you should probably start.”

_stupid_.

“alright! let’s go over our ‘swimming fool’ cover again.”

the other three shout their affirmation in unison, getting into position ( _how loud_ , jihoon thinks to himself). so soonyoung was the leader, too? that was quite admirable.

when the music started, jihoon couldn’t peel his eyes away from the group. jihoon didn’t know much about dance — he’d done it here and there, but never quite seriously — but he could see that the group had unmatched synergy, strength in their combined charisma and presence. he wondered why he hadn’t watched them before, seeing as they excelled in their skills.

and soonyoung…

( _what’s with that?_ )

jihoon _especially_ couldn’t stop watching him. soonyoung moved in a way that oozed precision, but even with such strict movement, there was a playful and charming aura to it. he could understand why soonyoung became the leader of such a group, what with the exceptional moves he pulls off so effortlessly, leaving jihoon out of breathe. he had a style that just drew jihoon in, filling the room with his energy, his existence, his own self. when soonyoung danced, it seemed like he was giving it his everything.

sharp like a knife and graceful like a feather, with the prowess of a tiger — he can’t deny it’s captivating.

when the performance ends, jihoon claps, nodding along as well. soonyoung smiles again — sweaty, but still bright. “so, what’d you think?”

“that was pretty good,” jihoon comments — and carefully at most, piecing his thoughts together. “the song, too — it’s something you could listen to while walking down the street. strong but in moderation. do you often do that kind of style?”

“we experiment,” minghao chips in, combing through his hair a bit. “this is actually for the fall quarter’s annual arts showcase. us dance minors have to perform in every showcase.”

“you’re dance minors?” jihoon blinks, looking at the college students — and chan, who just shrugs. “you’re pretty dedicated to the art, then.”

“it’s ‘cause hyung’s strict,” chan says, snorting a bit. “maybe it’s because you were watching today, but usually, hyung nitpicks and lectures us about this and that.”

from the corner of jihoon’s gaze, he could see a slight change in soonyoung’s complexion. pink.

“not that it’s _bad_ ,” jun adds. “he’s just doing it because he knows we can do better, and we do!”

“…anyway,” soonyoung coughs, looking expectantly at the producer. “so, _woozi_. what do you say? will you produce a song for us?”

“you’re really making me decide with just one practice?”

soonyoung freezes, cheeks a bit flushed. he begins to fidget with the ends of his shirt, nervousness apparent, but his smile remains, wavering just a little bit. “…oh, oh, that’s — ”

“just kidding. i’ll do it.” jihoon raises an eyebrow, looking at the group once again. “though, what would the song be for?”

“oh — we post dance videos on youtube!” of course. of course they do. jihoon’s life seems to be getting more and more k-drama-like every second. “and the channel’s turning a year old at the end of the fall quarter. december fifteen. we wanted to do a dance to an original song for the anniversary!”

“‘we’ — hyung decided that.” chan’s got a teasing smile on his face, poking his brother’s face. “but i mean, we agreed, so.”

“so it’s like that.” jihoon folds his hands, tapping his foot to a beat that came to his head. hm, catchy. “though december’s still a while away, conversation about the song should start early so i can tweak it to what you want. so — ”

“so is that a yes?” soonyoung asks, deferring chan’s consistent poking.

for some reason, ‘swimming fool’ played in his head for a bit.

but there was nothing more to that, right? just a good song.

“yeah, i’ll do it.”

* * *

jihoon’s desk has a certain setup when he’s getting ready to work on songs: some caffeinated beverage to the side (usually soda) to the side, his extremely expensive keyboard hooked up and in front of his monitor, usb plugged in for last-minute saves, his very old cookie clicker file opened next to his music files, and a pillow in his lap just in case he falls asleep. it’s a comfortable position he’s in, legs criss-crossed in his big swiveling chair, and he’s just about to slip on his headphones and work when he hears a knock.

_what now_? he sighs, pulling away from his cozy seat. it was about 10pm, so it wasn’t unusual to be awake, but he can’t exactly say he wasn’t already tired. he hadn’t gotten a sip of his coke yet.

he opens the door, scratching the back of his head, and —

“sorry about this, but do you think i can sleep over again?” soonyoung’s got a look of apparent apology on his face, a smile, though small, keeping its place nonetheless. he points a thumb over to the direction of his room. “my roommate’s kind of…you know.”

“oh. i guess.” jihoon moves to the side, looking down when he hears a clank — ah, a can. “sorry, i’ve already made this room a mess since…a few days ago.”

“really?” soonyoung laughs, slowly making his way in. “geez, it’s fine. you’re already letting me sleep over again.”

“you should just get a better roommate. maybe switch out?”

“that…ahaha, i might have to. that’s a bit troublesome, though.” why did soonyoung look nervous just now? he doesn’t quite get the time to think about it when the other boy points to jihoon’s screen, cookie clicker keeping on diligently while the music file remains empty. “getting some work done?”

“just starting.” jihoon’s already making his way back to comfortably sitting in his chair, practically throwing himself into it and making sure he had his pillow with him. “actually, i was about to start on your group’s song.”

“woah, really?” soonyoung makes his way over to the desk, leaning from behind jihoon’s chair. “you’ve already got an idea for it? that’s amazing! you’re like, a genius! i mean, i’ve listened to your stuff before, i know you’re pretty good, but to think up of something this quickly? that’s on another level!”

“hmm…i got an idea, that’s all. doesn’t mean it’ll end up used in the first place. it could change.” jihoon shrugs, pressing a key on his keyboard to make sure it’s on. “i don’t really have much, just a simple melody. but since you’re here, do you wanna hear it? see if it’s okay?”

“sure!” soonyoung’s smile expands, practically glowing and casting a light on his new producer friend. it was simple excitement that washes over him, akin to that of a kid, and yet he made it his own type of energy. what a strange ability that he had.

jihoon starts — he plans for this to be the chorus, a repeated word, a recurring phrase. he thinks that the repetitiveness and sound will go hand in hand with soonyoung’s — jam jam’s — eye-catching choreography. something about the enchantment of a moment. something about existing with each other. something like —

“that’s amazing!” soonyoung grabs jihoon’s shoulders from the back unconsciously, shaking him a bit — okay, _a lot_ , and the shorter one gets some mild whiplash. “holy shit, that’s absolutely _amazing_! that whole part with the like…the…well, that part where it sounded cool! all of it!”

“i don’t exactly have lyrics yet either, just some ideas, but feel free to pitch in your own if you want,” jihoon offers, massaging his shoulders a bit when soonyoung lets go. “but even then, our first meeting’s tuesday, so don’t feel like you have to give ideas now.”

“what about…you wanted a repeating word, right?” the look soonyoung gives him is that full of fire, something jihoon couldn’t quite pull away from. “what about ‘highlight’?”

“‘highlight’…ooh, i like that. yeah, that could work.” jihoon nods, jotting it down on a post it note. “hm, you could get good at this, you know, with music. i’m sure with your knowledge of dance, you could create some good performance music.”

“but you’re pretty good at all of them?” soonyoung tilts his head, face giving off a childlike vibe. “you’re _really_ good at producing songs, _woozi_.”

“i don’t know about that,” jihoon chuckles, though it’s soft, something more like a huff with a little step to it.

“didn’t you do the showcase last year?” the other asks, watching as jihoon fiddles with the sound he had just made on the piano, already transforming it in the music program. “like, singing?”

jihoon nods nonchalantly. ah, that. before the days of his time as woozi on soundcloud, he _did_ perform in the showcase, the first (and last) one of his college career, the very fall quarter arts showcase that jam jam was practicing for. he decided to do it for fun, nothing more. get a feel for the stage at least once.

and it went okay. nothing bad happened, but nothing good, either. he just got through it, and that was that. all he did was sing with his guitar, something he does a lot. it wasn’t some sort of special event, and there was no lingering attachment to the experience. it was just…there. he was surprised that soonyoung would even remember it, and he lets out an embarrassed scoff, drawing circles on the post it note with ‘highlight’ on it. “yeah, yeah, but who would remember a freshman with a mediocre song? playing guitar, no less. nothing much.”

“it wasn’t…” soonyoung pauses, clearing his throat before continuing. “even so, you have talent! you’re doing well in the music program, aren’t you? i mean…that’s what wonwoo’s told me, at least! have a little more faith, jihoon! your songs are good — they’re _exceptional_!”

“…didn’t you come here to sleep?” jihoon asks, though he makes it so that it doesn’t come off harshly. he tries, anyway. “though, thanks for saying that anyway. i just try my best when i can.”

“that’s admirable.” soonyoung’s voice is soft, and he nods, acknowledging jihoon’s response. “i mean, trying your best — that’s the same with my choreography! i wanna express a story, you know? and i wanna express it alongside the audience that keeps watching, like those from the showcase, or the ones on youtube.”

“isn’t that just as admirable?”

“if you say so!” soonyoung turns to go to jihoon’s bed, practically falling into it in a…fuck, in a t-pose. “anyway, thank you, jihoon, for agreeing to make us a song. i’ll make good choreography to match!”

“i don’t doubt you will.” jihoon says, squinting a bit at the music file. “hey…what do you think about singing, too?”

“ _huh_?” soonyoung shoots up from jihoon’s bed, sitting straight and eyes practically popping out of his skull. “me? _sing_?”

“you’re not too bad,” jihoon says offhandedly (soonyoung’s face turns a bright red, though the darkness of jihoon’s room masks it).

“…shinee?”

“shinee.”

“that’s…that’s a bit embarrassing! it’s just shinee, you know! they can’t really have a bad song…guess that’s what makes me sound good…” soonyoung rambles on, looking obviously flustered — and he’s grateful jihoon’s chair is turned to the computer and not him, he’s grateful that he’s busy starting the song that he doesn’t notice his nervousness. but that’s something for another time.

“well, let’s see. tuesday, i’ll ask the others if they want to sing and put their own stuff, too. it’s their song too, isn’t it?” jihoon keeps clicking away, oblivious to soonyoung’s mental shutdown. “besides, if you sing, i think it’s more special for the people that watch over you. think about it, okay?”

“…i guess.” soonyoung finally lies back down, his face stuffed in one of jihoon’s pillows. “i guess. okay. i’ll think about it. but since you’re such a genius producer, you’ll probably make me sound good, too.”

“just another one of the things i need to be good at to get my music degree.”

“pftt, so you admit it. i’m not that great.”

“you’re _good_ , but let’s just end it at ‘maybe i can help you get _better_ ’.” jihoon stops his clicking for a bit, gazing at the music program. ‘highlight’. what a perfect word. and this…whatever this was, this _banter_ — it was nice. it was natural. nothing forced, just back and forth chit chat that he could get used to.

can he get used to it?

by it — soonyoung?

(wait, does he _want_ to get used to it?)

“good night,” the other boy mumbles, and jihoon hears him turn in his bed. “don’t stay up too late.”

“yeah,” jihoon responds, though that promise might not be kept too well. “good night.”

he stays up until four in the morning.

* * *

_soundcloud rapper_

**soundcloud rapper  
** Soonyoung, where the fuck are you?  
Are you okay?  
You’re worrying me.  
Text me back when you can.

 **kwon fire  
** dude i’m fine  
just slept over at someone’s room **  
**


	2. what kind of future. (you're the biggest question mark in my life.)

tuesday comes around, and jihoon twiddles his thumbs in front of the computer, waiting for the members of jam jam to arrive. they had made the recording studio jihoon frequently uses into their meeting place for today, and as the time dwindles down to when the should be arriving, jihoon couldn’t help but look forward to it a little bit.  
****

there’s a knock on the door, and jihoon turns around, soonyoung waving at him with the same smile he always gives. (weird. why does he keep paying attention to it?) he beckons them to come in, and soonyoung opens the door, followed by the rest of jam jam.

“woah…so this is a recording studio!” chan gasps, sitting down on the couch and smiling widely. the brothers had the same smile. ( _why does he keep paying attention to it?_ ) “jihoon-hyung, you think i can…?”

chan points to the actual recording booth itself, pristine and sleek with the mic calling out to just about anyone that enters the room. it’s got an entrancing aura to it, alluring, singing out to the lost at sea like a siren, but rather than listening to its song, it offers to listen to the sailors, to put their voices somewhere.

perhaps the downfall is whether or not their voices reach someone.

“well, actually, one of the things i was going to talk about today has to do with recording yourself for the song,” jihoon says, and chan’s eyes light up, the same kind of fire soonyoung has in his own (they’re brothers, alright — but why does he keep making comparisons?). “though, i think you should hear the song first before making decisions.”

“you already have it done?” soonyoung gasps, the same way as chan. “seriously, that’s _amazing_.”

“not fully — it’s more like a skeleton of what i have so far. i’ll add stuff to it later, obviously, do what i need to do…” jihoon trails off, switching his gaze from soonyoung (why was he looking?) to the computer, where he had the first draft pulled up.

he presses play and leans back, letting the sound fill the room. he’s pretty lax when it comes to listening to his own music — it’s what he makes, so he knows how it’s going to go, all the beats and instruments and the melodies predictable because he was the one to arrange them into sound. of course, there’s the thought of hoping that whoever’s listening to it will like it — he can’t help that at all, though he’s been able to wipe his face of such expectation, so as to remain as stoic as possible.

but for some reason, his mouth twitches with the question “do you like it?” when it comes to jam jam — when it comes to _soonyoung_. his eyes, trying to remain fixed on the ceiling, betray him and often flit over to the boy before he could even prevent himself from doing so, transfixed on the boy’s reaction to his work. he’s heard it before, he said it was good, but now that jihoon’s done a bit more, will he still like it?

“woah…” soonyoung claps when it ends, smile blossoming into the biggest flower. wow, what a phrase. “that was _so_ good! and that was you doing the ‘highlight’ part, right? in the chorus? you really put it in there! and it sounds good in your voice, for real! you made it sound great!”

“if you want, it can stay,” jihoon immediately says, scratching the back of his head. “the lyrics, too — i wrote some as a guide, but if you have other ideas, feel free to tell me. it’s your song, after all.”

“is this how the hip hop team writes songs, too?” jun asks, his face showing the obvious awe and admiration he had for jihoon. “do you write the raps?”

“nah, that’s them.” jihoon sways back in forth in the chair, recalling their frequent collaborations. “i write some of the lyrics, but they write their raps themselves and add whatever else they want. they often run it by me, and we revise if we need to. they…often make fun of me when they see the lyrics sheet, though.”

“why’s that?” minghao looks a bit confused.

“they say i write the prompts for their rap parts like a standardized test.” jihoon laughs a bit; he guesses it’s true, but what better way was there to have them write in terms of the song’s theme? and for the most part, they get the words he wanted to express in the song right — doesn’t that mean it works?

“i think the song’s amazing!” chan pipes up, jumping from his seat from the couch. “we can do some hard-hitting choreography with it, some powerful stuff! the chorus, especially — we can wow our viewers there! it’s good!”

“…thanks.” jihoon’s a bit taken back by his enthusiasm, but he doesn’t find it bad. no, it’s not like that — he finds chan endearing. “that’s the goal, isn’t it?”

“you’ve captured it well,” minghao comments, nodding and seeming as if he’s already got ideas for the song. thank god, thank whatever deity is up there. “it seems like it’ll be fun to dance to. seems fun to sing along, too.”

“yeah, it does.” jun leans forward from his seat, looking like a different type of excited from chan’s, almost mischievous, like a cat. he seems like the type to play around a lot, but jihoon doesn’t feel as if it’ll be troublesome. “so about that thing you were saying about recording the song ourselves…i wouldn’t mind.”

“it’d make it even more special for the people who watch our videos, wouldn’t it?” chan adds in, radiating such elation that it practically blinds jihoon. “hyung, we should do it! let’s do it! i’ve got a pretty good voice too. right, hyung?”

“the shower isn’t a measure for that,” soonyoung rolls his eyes, but he ruffles his little brother’s hair affectionately. ( _it must be nice_.) “but you have a point. what about it, jam jam? should we do it? because i’m in.”

they agree in unison, and jihoon lets out a sigh of relief. he wouldn’t have minded using his own voice, but with the members of the dance group, it makes the song _jam jam’s_. it makes it _their_ song, the song for them, the song that they can claim and exhibit their talent with.

“i also have some ideas for lyrics, if you don’t mind, jihoon-hyung?” minghao looks a bit shy in pitching his idea — understandable, since it seems as if they’ve never done this before. “kind of like something in the chorus, but not too much?”

“go ahead.” jihoon leans back on his chair, running his hand through his hair before turning to the computer and pulling up a document for their ideas. “i’m listening.”

* * *

“that was a pretty good first meeting, don’t you think?” soonyoung asks, tilting his head and watching jihoon as he packs up his things, shuffling to find the key to lock the recording studio. it was just the two of them, the other three having gone to attend to their other obligations — which was basically school and procrastinating on school.

“yeah, you guys have nice enthusiasm. it’s nice knowing you want to work on the song.” jihoon doesn’t say this simply — it’s _true_ , and he’s glad that jam jam wants to be hands on with it, with minghao’s chinese lyrics, jun’s suggestions for how to make the words and choreography connect, and chan’s persistence with rapping. soonyoung seemed ready to pitch in his own ideas, even going as far as suggesting things on how the song should go instrumental-wise. (soonyoung had winked and told jihoon that he should teach him more about composing at some time, and jihoon couldn’t comprehend the mental shut down he had for a second.) “with someone’s input, it gets easier to work with it. it gives some sort of guideline.”

“you’re passionate about music, aren’t you?”

“yeah,” jihoon chuckles a bit, finally finding the key and twirling it around with the keychain connected to it. “you can express a lot of things with music. that’s why if it’s made your own, you can show a lot more things, because it’s from you. does that make sense? sounds like i’m talking in an anime right now.”

“no, no, i get you. i’m glad you’re giving jam jam that opportunity!” soonyoung gives him a thumbs up and a signature smile — it’s bright, very bright. they didn’t need the lights on in the studio. “we’ll work hard on singing and choreography! it’ll be our best one yet!”

“i don’t doubt it.” jihoon starts making his way to the door, opening it and letting soonyoung go first. the boy walks out, and jihoon next, closing the door behind him and locking it immediately. can’t forget that.

“hey, it’s pretty late,” soonyoung says, pointing to the time on his phone. 8:45pm. they were in there for a while. “wanna go grab something to eat? my treat.”

“…we’re not going to get lost again, are we?”

“pfft, no. we’ll go to that ramen place. what do you say?”

jihoon thinks, and that’s when he realizes that there’s nothing keeping him from saying _no_. does he want to? he guesses he does — it’s more free food. but is there anything more? does he dare wonder that far?

he can only say yes, it seems.

“yeah, i guess.”

* * *

“hyung, you should _go_.” seungkwan frowns when jihoon seems to concentrated on the singular rice grain he was trying to pick up to hear him. “ _hyung_. come on. you’ve been working on music for a whole week nonstop! it’s just for this weekend. a trip to the beach could do you some good. it’d be like a break.”

“i’m taking a break right now, aren’t i?” jihoon finally picks up the grain, putting it with the rest of his rice and eating a big mouthful. rice is his only friend, it seems. and soonyoung. ( _why did i think of soonyoung?_ )

“lunch is a part of the day,” jeonghan says, nudging jihoon with…quite the _force_ , and he thinks it might leave some sort of bruise. not a big one, but _some type_. “and adventure is a part of college. the beach will be amazing. a change of scenery from all the books and the classrooms!”

“i can look it up online.”

“he’s stubborn,” mingyu mumbles.

“yeah, but we should see it _in person_ , too. you haven’t really gone out of your way to explore outside of seoul since you got here from busan, have you?” jeonghan huffs, crossing his arms now and obviously looking displeased. what a troublesome hyung.

“i haven’t really tried to,” jihoon shrugs. he keeps eating. “besides, staying the night there? that sounds like a disaster.”

“come on, _please_ , hyung?” seungkwan please from across the table. he shifts his glance to jeonghan for a bit before he whispers — well, whispers in a way that’s kind of like a whisper, but enough so jeonghan can hear. a fake kind of whisper. “i don’t want to be alone with jeonghan and his boyfriend. third-wheeling like that? i’d _die_.”

“hey, it’s not just going to be _us two_ ,” jeonghan retorts. “joshua and seokmin are coming, and so is the rest of the hip hop group. right, mingyu?”

“shit, really?” he’s in the middle of eating his sandwich, making him look like a squirrel. or just a really chubby puppy. “they probably said it in the group chat — fuck, i haven’t checked it in a while.”

“or maybe they haven’t invited you at all.” that earns seungkwan a glance from mingyu.

“anyway, if the hip hop group’s going, then seungkwan’s boyfriend is going too, isn’t he?” now it’s mingyu’s turn to attack, and seungkwan looks visibly flustered. “don’t have to worry about third wheeling when he’s right there.”

“first of all, not my boyfriend. second of all, wonwoo’s there too, isn’t he?”

“shut up.”

_this whole thing’s so complicated._ jihoon sighs, shaking his head at the messy love lives of his friend group.

“hey, you seem to hang out with soonyoung a lot,” jeonghan finally addresses jihoon, who stops momentarily before continuing to eat. “why don’t you invite him to our little outing?”

jihoon shrugs jeonghan off. bringing soonyoung into this, really…why did he feel a little weird when his name was mentioned? anyway.

“ _fine_. be like that.” jeonghan whips out of his phone, and from the corner of jihoon’s eye, he could see the calculating smile spreading on his face.

was he scared? a little bit. all he can now is eat the bits of his rice left, hoping that jeonghan’s scheme isn’t too cruel.

* * *

having soonyoung over in his room was quite frequent now, but the reasons varied. sometimes it was to work on the song, sometimes it was to sleep over because of his roommate, and sometimes it was because he just wanted to hang out. jihoon sees nothing wrong with that. perhaps they were acquaintances now — perhaps they were friends? friends sounds about right. there was no previous establishment for it, but…at this point, friends might be the right label.

tonight was a mix of all three, and he didn’t mind that, either. soonyoung stands behind jihoon as he clicks through jam jam’s song, listening and tweaking small bits and pieces of the audio to his liking. sometimes he eats a bit of the chinese food soonyoung had bought him, but he mostly drinks the soda.

(there had been an occasion where soonyoung had tried to feed jihoon a piece of orange chicken — to no avail.)

“you know, i was thinking — what if i did a solo song?” soonyoung says, stuffing his face with his own share of orange chicken and rice. a hamster. “or maybe something even bigger — a solo _album_. i kind of like the sound of a song called ‘hurricane’. an edm sort of thing. maybe the album can be called ‘h’.”

“…‘hurricane’?”

“like — _blows, hurricane_!” he even adds some chores with his arms, and jihoon tries to stifle his laugh, but he can’t. he just _can’t_. soonyoung looks so passionate about it, but the sudden burst of song…

“i…guess, maybe? if you wanna do it, i’m sure it’s something we can make in the future.” jihoon returns to their current project, clicking away once again.

soonyoung smiles cheekily, and in a daring move, he pokes jihoon’s cheek. “so you’re saying we can work together again?”

“if you want.” jihoon moves soonyoung’s finger away from his cheek (it was so sudden, and he jumped a bit, but he didn’t… _dislike_ it) and looks up at the other boy, a bit confused, raising an eyebrow in question. “working with other people is the kind of thing a producer has to do.”

“you don’t seem the type to come up with the idea of working together, though. it has to be offered to you.”

“people are exhausting sometimes.”

“is that why you won’t go with jeonghan this weekend?”

jihoon nearly spits out the soda he was taking a sip of, and that would’ve been embarrassing. “…how’d you hear about that?”

“he texted me.” soonyoung opens up his phone to show the message, and sure enough, there was soon jeonghan’s number itself, _saved on soonyoung’s_ phone, and it seems as if they’ve been friends — or acquaintances, at least — for quite a bit, as jeonghan had affectionally nicknamed soonyoung ‘youngie’ in the text. (and jihoon thinks to himself that ‘soonyoungie’ would be a nice nickname — god, why was he thinking that?)

_jeonghan-hyung_

**jeonghan-hyung  
**youngie~~  
wanna go to eurwangni beach this weekend?  
and also spend the night  
music lovers + hip hop group are going  
ig music lovers minus jihoon bc he doesn’t wanna go :(

 **kwon fire  
**oof really??  
sounds fun though…

music lovers…first of all, that wasn’t the name of their group. it was barely even a group. they were just people that liked to sing occasionally, but they weren’t an _official_ official group or anything. they weren’t even a club. they’d just found themselves taking shelter from the early fall rain, pissed because they got to the dining hall too late and that they couldn’t go inside because it was closed. their little vocal group was formed after they sang six minutes of ‘bohemian rhapsody’, but that was just last year, with jihoon, jeonghan, and joshua. seokmin and seungkwan came along this school year and joined after the then-trios usual get-togethers, and their voices were as loud as their personality — not that it wasn’t bad. they were really, _really_ good, and there was no opposition to them tagging along.

they were a group that sometimes drops by the recording studio, a group that just sings to let out the frustrations of college work, a group that exists without a label. nothing formal other than that. they don’t even have a song together.

(he doesn’t tell them of his archive of songs he makes when the inspiration hits, and he knows that the group can do it well. some other time. back to soonyoung’s pestering.)

“so that’s what he was doing.” jihoon sighs, putting down the can of soda and rubbing his temples. his hyung could be a pain sometimes. jeonghan’s a psych major? unbelievable. “a trip to the beach with all of them…i just know it’ll be tiresome. i get tired just thinking about it.”

“you make yourself sound like an old man.” soonyoung playfully punches jihoon’s arm, pout just as playful, though he tries to make it seem genuine. “but it’s with your _friends_. you should go hang out with them every once in a while, you know? jeonghan tells me that outside of the dining hall and recording studio, he doesn’t see you at all.”

“hold on — how do you know jeonghan?”

“uh…just because.” soonyoung pauses for a second, as if trying to figure out what to say next. “anyway, he misses you! i’m sure the others do, too! besides, you might get some sort of inspiration there. the sea? the most cliche but perfect spot to think of something.”

“are you trying to convince me to go?”

“yes, because i told jeonghan i would love to go, and i’m bringing the rest of jam jam, too!” soonyoung now latches onto jihoon’s arm, shaking him gently and whining. “ _please_? it’ll be fun. you don’t have to do much either if you don’t want. i’m sure they’d understand. just…come on. you’ve been working a lot! take a break! get some fresh air!”

soonyoung pauses again, as if debating whether or not the next few words should come out of his mouth.

“come with me, jihoonie.”

‘jihoonie’.

why did that make him feel all warm? what’s with the way he said the sentence, anyway? come with him? as if his other friends didn’t exist? but why was going with soonyoung something…much _more_? why did the idea of going _with soonyoung_ excite him a little? what’s with him? what’s with his head? why was his mind racing? why was his _heart_ racing? what’s with all these questions?

why did that make him say —

“fine. _fine_. i’ll go.”

“you will? _yes_!” soonyoung’s smile grows big. his answer was enough for this much energy? “jeonghan’ll be so happy! okay, okay, thank you! you won’t regret it! now, about ‘hurricane’…”

* * *

“we missed the bus.”

“…what.”

soonyoung and jihoon stand in a rather unfamiliar part of…whatever place they were in. there isn’t much telling _where_ they were, surrounded by buildings and shops you’d see just about anywhere, the only telling structure being the bus stop they were at with a sign that the bus they were supposed to take had already departed.

“we…it left ten minutes ago?” soonyoung checks the sign again, making sure he read it right — and sure enough, it left that bus stop ten minutes ago, when they weren’t there to catch it. “that’s…huh?”

“where are the others?” jihoon looks around, clutching the straps of his backpack. ah, he’s already so _tired_. he had to get up early (read: twelve in the afternoon) to meet the others, and they were as loud and rambunctious as ever. he hadn’t seen seokmin in quite a while, but he was a sure-fire way to get _somewhat_ awake. they had to take two buses, transferring in the middle, and they were fine in catching the first one, since it was near the college. (fitting thirteen boys onto one bus sure was an experience.) but when they got off at the bus stop they were at now, jeonghan suggested they go use the bathroom before the next leg of their trip, and he went to go look for it. he comes back and tells them where it is, and so they go a few at a time so as not to crowd the place. soonyoung and jihoon were the last to go (for some reason, everyone else _really really really_ had to go), and when they came back…

“jeonghan-hyung said we had enough time to go to the bathroom…”

“that’s it. i’m texting him.” jihoon sighs, reaching for his phone. he couldn’t help but get suspicious of a _certain hyung_ , and he hurriedly types his text.

 

_hyung #2_

**jihoon _  
_** hyung.  
you better answer me.  
where are you?

**hyung #2**  
my precious dongsaeng~ how are you and soonyoung?

**jihoon  
**unbelievable. **  
** WHERE ARE YOU?

 **hyung #2  
**on the bus on the way to eurwangni beach  
you didn’t even wanna go until youngie asked you~  
why do you wanna catch the bus now?  
relax for a bit with your buddy :) the next bus will come in an hour

jihoon almost wants to throw his phone away, his arm already up to do so, but soonyoung catches the action, and he grabs jihoon’s arm, looking extremely concerned.

(jihoon felt warmth creep throughout his entire body, and for a moment, perhaps the situation wasn’t all that bad.)

“…i overreacted. sorry.” jihoon pockets his phone again, letting out a huff for his troublesome hyung. why was he friends with him anyway? what was jeonghan’s motive? was it for not wanting to go before? either way, this was quite a stretch. was there something else? “anyway, he says the next bus will be here in an hour. we’ll just have to wait.”

“hm.” soonyoung sits down on the bus stop’s bench, patting the space next to him for jihoon. wordlessly, he sits next to him — soonyoung is bearable most of the time, but at this moment, he’s probably the _only_ person jihoon could tolerate. “we’ll get to the beach at just about the sunset, then.”

“this is tiring…” jihoon sighs again, a slump to his posture. his stomach grumbles, and he pouts, poking it tiredly. “hey, shut up.”

“you wanna get something to eat?” soonyoung laughs, poking his cheeks. “geez, i offer to get food so much, look at me! they’re getting all chubby.”

“it’s okay, though?” jihoon looks up at soonyoung, eyebrows up in disbelief at his statement. “your cheeks suit you.”

was it his imagination, or did soonyoung go completely red?

“m — my cheeks — _my_ cheeks — suit? cheeks? suit me?” it seems as if soonyoung isn’t able to process anything right now. a mental breakdown. mood. soonyoung remains in a state of ‘loading’ before he clears his throat, aware of his awkward state, and laughs again. “ahaha, sorry — did lee jihoon just compliment me?”

“it was a statement, but if you think of it as a compliment, there’s not changing that.” jihoon shrugs it off, getting up from the bench and stretching. “i think i could go for some food, though. let’s make it quick so we don’t miss the bus again.”

“…right, right!” soonyoung gets up, too, as if tapping into his energy reserves. anything to cover up what just happened. ( _what did just happen?_ ) “there’s a convenient store near where we went to the bathroom. let’s go and come back.”

* * *

the sun sinks in the usual west, and soonyoung and jihoon just about make it to their group of friends just as the night sweeps over the sky, the moon getting ready to make its appearance. jeonghan waves at the two when they finally arrive, huffing and puffing from the marathon they participated in. from bus stop to beach, they didn’t want to risk walking with minimal lights (jihoon didn’t want to say that he was _a little_ afraid of the dark).

“you made it!” jeonghan says, beckoning them to sit down in the spot next to him. the eleven boys were sitting in a circle on the beach, some shivering from the sharp drop in temperature as the stars begin to appear. it was apparent that some had gone into the water — some willingly, some unwillingly, and from the look of seokmin and seungkwan’s disheveled hair and blank expressions, they were probably tossed in. wrapped in towels and sitting on blankets, the boys had made a fire in one of the beach’s fire pits, which was probably mingyu’s creation. no matter how much they clown him, he was a crafty one, and capable at that sort of thing.

it seems as if jam jam meshed into the group just fine, minghao and jun and chan already hitting it off with the hip hop group and jihoon’s friends. some had seen them in passing, some in their videos, and there was exchanges of praise for each other’s work. for people who haven’t known each other for a long time, they seem pretty close.

soonyoung sits down next to chan, his little brother pesters him right away, poking his brother for being absent-minded as always.

“no, no, _someone_ messed with us,” jihoon interjects, shooting a glare at jeonghan, who acts and shows off an unknowing face. “fuck off, hyung. i can’t believe you right now.”

“honey, do you hear that?” jeonghan shakes his head with a sigh, hanging onto seungcheol’s arm and putting his head on his shoulder. “our child is mad at us.”

“since when did we have kids?” seungcheol asks, looking at jihoon with a surprised face.

“if he’s my parent now, i think i’d run away.” this makes a few people in the circle snort, wonwoo shaking his head at the remark, though he smiles at the same time.

“hyung, we’re not much older than you. when did you suddenly have eleven kids?”

“wait, _i’m_ a kid?” joshua looks offended, and he looks at jeonghan with that expression, though it’s obviously feigned. “i thought i’d be the uncle or something.”

“sure, that’s fine,” jeonghan says, waving off his friend with a laugh. “uncle shua. wow, you old man.”

“ugh, we’re _old_.” seungcheol groans, pinching the bridge of his nose and letting out a defeated sigh. “i know it’s mostly a joke, but seriously, _we’re old_. there’s a fucking high schooler here. i felt myself age ten years just now.”

chan huffs. “i’m a _senior_ in high school, thank you.”

“and seungcheol-hyung’s a senior citizen.” jihoon replies, shaking his head at seungcheol’s dramatic words, though he does let out a stifled chuckle (soonyoung catches it, and he thinks the sound is nice). “so. we’re here. what now? it seems as if we missed getting into the water.”

“by all means, go ahead if you want to go in. it’s just fucking cold,” seungkwan says, obviously a bit salty about being pushed in.

“i have some of those sparkler things,” minghao offers, unzipping his backpack and taking them out. “jun and i saw them the other day, and we thought it might be nice to use. we have a fire and everything. wanna give them a try?”

“ _yes_!” seokmin stands up immediately, forgetting the cold. “those are so cool!”

“be careful,” joshua calls.

“thanks uncle shua,” jun laughs, reaching for his own sparkler and sticking it into the fire for a second. the show immediately starts, and he waves it around. wonwoo follows it closely, light shining in his eyes. the scene makes them seem like a bunch of cats playing with a toy at the same time. 

vernon’s an astronomy major, and so for that time span, he had been doing nothing but staring at the sky, but once the sparklers began going off, he goes to play with them, seungkwan teaching him how to do so. jeonghan and seungcheol watch ‘their kids’ before trying the sparklers out themselves, and chan tries to write something in the air with one, to no avail.

jihoon huddles up in his hoodie, watching them wash away their tiredness with just a few sparklers. it was kind of a sight, and somehow, he finds it all so… _nice_. soonyoung was right in that jeonghan wouldn’t make him do things he didn’t want to; it seems as if jihoon just sitting there was enough. that his presence was enough.

maybe going to trip was worth it.

and these people…they were his friends. they were his companions, his collaborators, his motivation. the hip hop team’s constant collaborations stretch jihoon’s mind to tap into new sounds; the ‘music lovers’ let him use his voice with no pressure whatsoever; and jam jam, even if it’s only been for a short while, motivates jihoon to work as hard as them.

perhaps this moment was simple simplicity in a busy lifetime. he thinks to himself that he doesn’t want them to stop being his friend. that he won’t be going anywhere, and that he hopes they won’t go anywhere, either.

hm. maybe he just got a little sentimental.

“you look like you’re coming up with your next big hit.” soonyoung’s shifted from his spot a bit away to right next to jihoon, holding two sparklers in his hand. he offers jihoon one, and he takes it.

“can’t come up with the next big hit if i haven’t even got a first big hit.” jihoon waves the sparkler around absentmindedly.

“hey, your songs are pretty good,” soonyoung says, and the tone in his voice is…defensive. protective. like his words are absolute truth. “you have _talent_ , lee jihoon. your passion for music is so incredible, and it shows in the songs you make. there’s absolutely no way that you’ll go unnoticed. mark my words, there’ll be a time in the future where your songs are played everywhere and people will adore you.”

“huh…what kind of future…” jihoon trails off, finding it hard to look at soonyoung after he’s said all _that_. it was…touching. something heartfelt. he could tell that he meant those words, though the circumstances felt a bit exaggerated.

and he didn’t dislike it. in fact, he really liked the idea of soonyoung thinking all that. that he thought of him that way.

if he wanted his friends not to go anywhere, he especially didn’t want soonyoung to leave. it’d be nice if soonyoung stayed for a long while. maybe even forever.

…how funny is that, for only knowing this guy for just a short while? what’s up with him? what would it mean for soonyoung to stay? how would that make jihoon feel?

feel. did he feel something?

he didn’t like the idea of soonyoung leaving. of soonyoung not being by his side. he didn’t think of it much up until this moment, but ever since soonyoung knocked on his door, the boy had been by his side as the leader of jam jam, as a collaborator, as a friend — was that all he could call him?

‘highlight’ is going as planned. it’ll definitely be done soon, and then…is that it? is that the end of the line? soonyoung says he has ideas for a solo album, and jihoon’s willing to help, but is than an actual declaration or just empty words? would soonyoung continue to sleep over at his room, or would his roommate, whoever it was, somehow decide to sober up, and soonyoung doesn’t have to sleep over anymore? what if jam jam becomes really busy, and that’s great, but what if soonyoung stops offering to get him food? to hang out in his room?

what kind of future is that?

that keeps jihoon up at night when they finally get to the hotel, and he’s roomed with chan and mingyu. that makes jihoon think of a rather sad sound. some sort of yearning. a difficult sort of song, and even more difficult words to come up with.

what kind of future does he have? he doesn’t know the answer.

* * *

“was that good, jihoon-hyung?”

“ _ah_.” jihoon winces in pain, his face scrunched as he takes off one side of his headphones. “chan, you don’t have to speak so closely to the mic. i can hear you just _at a distance_.”

“oh. sorry.” chan steps back, but he gives off his enthusiastic smile nonetheless, giving him a questioning thumbs up. “so is it good, mister producer?”

“i think you can be a bit stronger for that part. try again.”

today’s been a rather long day, to say the least. he’s devoting the day to recording jam jam’s vocals for ‘highlight’, the lyrics and instrumental having been perfected over a couple of meetings. seungkwan came by on their last meeting to give them advice on singing, and it seems as if it’s worked well, seeing as minghao and jun were able to provide some quality audio earlier today before leaving to study.

“how about now?”

“yeah, i like it.” jihoon says, and now it’s his turn to give chan a thumbs up. “okay, you’re all done. you can come out now.”

“that was fun!” chan says as he walks out the recording booth, obvious excitement in his step. “i’d want to do that again someday.”

“you’re a pretty good rapper. if you go here, i’m sure the hip hop group wouldn’t mind picking you up.” jihoon plays with a pen to seem nonchalant, but he does like how the comment brings an even bigger smile to chan’s face. “work hard in school, okay?”

“i’ll do my best to get in!”

“hey, that’s great and all, but now it’s _my_ turn to record.” soonyoung says, and jihoon gives him an acknowledging nod before he goes in. he doesn’t quite say it out loud, but he’s looking forward to soonyoung’s recording session.

“you ready?”

soonyoung takes a couple of minutes to get himself ready, adjusting his headphones, adjusting the mic, making sure there’s water, clearing his throat, having the adrenaline running through his body, summoning up every bit of energy he has for this new endeavor. he gives jihoon a thumbs up.

“okay, let’s start from the first verse.”

* * *

“you’re almost done mixing? seriously, we just recorded this all today. again, you’re _amazing_.”

it seems as if soonyoung’s sleeping over tonight — for no particular reason at all, but jihoon doesn’t mind. he brought him some fried chicken, and he was eating it quite happily, wiping the grease off every once in a while when he goes back to working on the song.

“see, i was working a bit faster before you got me food.” jihoon then takes another fried chicken break, the crunch making him smile a bit.

their voices are unique, and they were pretty good. all in all, they match up the song nicely, and he thinks that having them sing and rap to it would get the audience to dance along with them.

soonyoung…

when he hit record in that studio just a few hours ago, he wasn’t expecting such charisma, such presence in soonyoung’s voice. it was powerful when it needed to be, as hard-hitting as the song without losing its special sound. his voice had something that jihoon found attractive, something he could listen to over and over again. he found soonyoung’s enthusiastic ‘hightlight’ for the chorus to be pretty nice, too. a nice voice in general. recording was a pleasure.

and he had so much energy recording it, too. jihoon could tell he was putting in all the effort that he had, everything that he knew into making sure it sounded good. his enthusiasm wasn’t that of chan’s, who enjoyed things light-heartedly. soonyoung’s prowess was intense, full of fire and drive. soonyoung wound himself up and let himself go with a powerful punch.

jihoon couldn’t keep his eyes off of him, even when he found himself making surprised noises when soonyoung would say things like, “i like that one” and “i sounded really good there”.

jihoon appreciated that jam jam did their best with this project. this project…it was for a dance video, right?

“hey, you’ve been working on choreography with the guide i gave you, right?” jihoon looks at soonyoung, who was eating on the floor so as to not put crumbs on jihoon’s bed. “when can i see it?”

“uh…” soonyoung scratches the back of his head, chewing his chicken slowly. he gulps, and then he gives an innocent smile. “actually, i kind of want you to watch it when the video actually comes out.”

“oh.” for some reason, jihoon found himself a little disappointed, returning to mixing so as not to seem like a child. he wanted to see jam jam — fuck, he wanted to see _soonyoung_ — dance to his song. he wanted to see what it would look like. how they’d do. how soonyoung would choreograph it. how soonyoung would be while dancing to it. soonyoung, soonyoung, _soonyoung_.

what the hell’s wrong with him?

“kind of like a surprise!” soonyoung adds, seeing jihoon’s dismay. “we want to blow you away with our choreography for your song. you’ve worked hard on it, so we’re working extremely hard on the choreography, making sure we get every step the way we want it. the fifteenth’s only a few days away. it’s…you’re not mad, are you?”

“no, i get what you’re saying. i appreciate it — but it’s not my song, it’s yours, too. it’s jam jam’s.”

“yeah, jam jam’s…” soonyoung pauses in thought, eating chicken once again. “listen, jihoon. i have to tell you something.”

his voice sounds so serious. jihoon stops his clicking, his fiddling on the music program, and he turns to soonyoung again, heart racing just a tiny bit.

“i really appreciate it — you working on this song, i mean. or just agreeing in general. i didn’t know how it’d work out when i asked wonwoo to ask you, but you actually came to our practice to consider it, and you _did it_. you made us such a good song. it’s how i imagined jam jam at its best, dancing with everything we’ve got. this song’s got us working our asses off, and we’ve come up with choreography that we’re proud of. and even if the practices are hard, we’re okay, because the song is fun to dance to. it just gets us all going, you know? it gets us all hyped. it reminds us why we love dancing. it’s being able to move with a song that you just feel in your veins. seriously, jihoon…thank you for this. thank you for giving jam jam this song. i don’t know how much fried chicken and other food could ever repay you for this.”

“that’s…seriously, you don’t need to buy me an infinite amount of food,” jihoon says, though food…sounds nice either way. ( _if it comes with soonyoung — maybe it’s better?_ ) “i’m a music major. music’s what i do. i know i said people are tiring sometimes, but seriously, you guys were pretty enthusiastic when working on this. you and the hip hop group are people i don’t mind.”

“you don’t mind me — mind us?”

“no, you guys are alright. you all are, even if some are troublesome.” jihoon finds himself giving out to a small smile. ‘you all’ — his friends. he’s come to accept that now. “i’m glad to grab onto any opportunity to work on music. this collab was great.”

“i’m…god, i’m so glad. i felt like i just pushed this onto you in the beginning. i was worried i was being pushy. but you…?” 

“no, no, i liked working on it.”

soonyoung’s smile is that of relief now. they’re both smiling. cheesy.

“hey…can we actually do it? can we make ‘hurricane’?”

soonyoung’s voice is quiet, but there’s so much behind it. expectation and hopefulness, the side of him that wishes that jihoon will say yes. that he’ll agree. that he won’t turn him away.

(how can he? how can he turn away a constant in his life? what kind of constant is soonyoung?)

“after this? i don’t see why not. i have nothing else after.” he replies cooly, but for some reason, the room’s become warm. or was that just him?

he’s working with soonyoung again. he’s going to see him again. it might be short, it might be long. still, it’s prolonging an unknown farewell, a time in which they don’t need to be by each other’s side anymore, if there is a time like that.

* * *

jihoon gets the notification for jam jam’s anniversary video at the promised time of 6pm. the video title: ‘happy anniversary — highlight (original choreography)’. he opens it immediately, pulling it up to full screen. he sits back his chair, taking in the entire screen, and he watches.

such a powerful intro. all of them together, and he can already tell that the choreography is going to blow him away. each member takes their part in the song — he guesses they choreographed it keeping the meeting where they distributed the lyrics off in mind. each member hits such sharp movements, yet the whole group flows together. nothing seems out of place, and it’s so pleasing to watch.

this was the song he created they were dancing to. he created a song alongside them, and they choreographed a dance for it. with the video and seeing the choreography for the first time, that fact settles in. _they choreographed a dance to a song he created with them_. people were dancing to _a song he created with them_.

they choreographed this themselves. jam jam’s youtube page is nothing but covers up until now, up until ‘highlight’, and again, he’s amazed — the song he created with them is with choreography created _by_ them. this was their creation as much as jihoon’s. they were probably more into it knowing that it was their own moves, their own dancing. that in itself is pretty amazing.

his eyes are glued to soonyoung the most. he’s really feeling the song in every step, and jihoon can tell. there’s so much energy going through him, and he could hear him talking about all the adrenaline he feels while dancing. nothing can pull his gaze away from him in particular. his dancing’s something not of this world. a shining star in the night, the biggest one of them all, beckoning anyone who sees it to look up and stare.

jihoon can’t help but clap at the end of video when the credits roll. song: woozi. choreography: kwon soonyoung, kwon chan, xu minghao, wen junhui.

kwon soonyoung.

the name repeats over and over in his head, stuck on repeat. kwon soonyoung, kwon soonyoung, kwon soonyoung. what is it about him that makes jihoon this way?

maybe jihoon can grow a little curious. maybe he can wonder a bit. but does he want to get hopes up? what is it that he’s looking for in the first place?

as he’s thinking about it, his phone rings. the caller: kwon soonyoung.

“hello?”

“did you watch it?” even if soonyoung isn’t here with him (his room feels strangely empty after he thinks about it), he could hear the excitement in his voice. “what’d you think?”

“it was good.” jihoon pauses. “fuck, it was _really_ good. you choreographed that well.”

“thanks! we worked really hard on it.” soonyoung sighs out of relief, searching for words in his momentary silence. “thank you again, jihoon. seriously. that was probably the most fun i’ve had dancing _ever_.”

“hey, you made some of that song, too.”

“yeah, but _you_ thought it up. give yourself more credit. ‘highlight’ is yours as much as it is ours.” soonyoung hears the small yawn jihoon makes, and he laughs a bit. “you should take a nap or something. you’ve earned it, woozi.”

“woozi?” jihoon jokes. “jihoon is just fine.”

“what about jihoonie?”

he could have almost dropped his phone right then and there. there it was again. jihoonie. something about a nickname such as that made his heart jump, but why was that?

“…i guess.” smooth. real smooth, jihoon. he grits his teeth at the thought that crosses his mind, and for a second, he wonders if he should do it. if he should just go for it.

fuck it, right? just…fuck it. might as well. here goes nothing.

“okay, soonyoungie.”

“so — soon — woah, lee jihoon? are you okay?”

_i don’t know_. “i’m fine. what, i have a nickname and you don’t? that’s not fair.”

“okay, okay. that’s fine. i like the sound of it. i like the way you say it.”

“what?”

“gotta go study! bye jihoonie!”

before he can even interject, soonyoung hangs up. jihoon lets out a big breath out of his nose. if he felt the wind knocked out of him from watching jam jam’s ‘highlight’ video, he guesses he had held his breath in throughout that entire call with soonyoung. that’s what it felt like, anyway.

either way, he was breathless because of kwon soonyoung.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this got a little long. oops
> 
> knee ways, hope y'all liked the second chapter! hope the soonhoon is good.


	3. what can i do? (i know i'm such a fool.)

after a hellish finals week, jihoon spent his winter break back home in busan, catching up on his sleep and going to obligatory family gatherings. it’s the same old business, really, but being back home felt…weird. it felt like something was missing. jihoon couldn’t figure out what the hell felt off about winter break, and he found a part of himself waiting for the day that he goes back to pledis university. and when he does, he doesn’t find himself preparing for his upcoming classes; rather, he’s bracing himself for —

“this is a real venture from what i usually do!” soonyoung laughs, lying down on jihoon’s bed with a satisfied smile on his face. “but it’s fun. is fronting jealous i get you all to yourself this quarter?”

the question makes jihoon’s face flush, but he doesn’t get why. “a little, but i’m not exclusively their producer, so they understand. they’re looking forward to it, actually, your solo album.”

“my _solo album_!” soonyoung rolls around in his giddiness, a sort of happiness that jihoon finds extremely contagious, although he’s made a mess of his blanket and pillows. “i can’t believe i’m actually doing this. i never thought i would do this! i mean, i’d pretend to have a solo album as an idol, and then i get to give a copy to shinee themselves!”

“…maybe. though this is your first step to that, i’m sure.” jihoon finds his mouth hinting at a smile, but before that could happen, he yawns.

a part of him is happy that he could do this for soonyoung. he’s happy that he hangs out with all the time, that he’s taking part in something that jihoon really likes to do. soonyoung is a familiar feeling, a feeling that just feels right. a feeling that reminds him that his heart is beating and that life can be bright and that he’s feeling something so good it feels like he’s only been truly alive since meeting soonyoung.

he’s glad to have soonyoung as a close friend, but for some reason, jihoon isn’t satisfied with that.

* * *

the extent of soonyoung’s friendship — and he’s definitely sure that they’re friends now because soonyoung’s called him ‘buddy’ once — goes as far as jihoon letting soonyoung stay in his room by himself while he goes to classes, because soonyoung’s been wanting to figure out how jihoon “works his magic with music” (his exact words). 

today is no different, jihoon coming back from one of his evening classes with eye bags under his eyes that just screamed ‘kill me i’m a college student’. he’d gone to the dining hall right after, hiding a few brownies in his bag for him and soonyoung to share, and he opens his door to the frequently-shared room 137.

jihoon finds the different songs pulled up on his monitor and a bunch of paper on his desk, displaying soonyoung’s notes on each song. this makes jihoon laugh a bit; even if he’s taught soonyoung the basics on how to use the program, it seems as if he’s still finding that type of technology a little challenging. he makes it up for it in the details of his writing — ‘hurricane, 1:45, can we raise the volume a little bit’, ‘touch, can we add a growl before the rap’, and things like that.

he stops himself from laughing at the last part when he sees that soonyoung’s on his bed fast asleep, an all-too familiar sight that jihoon is no longer fazed by it. he goes about his room quietly, putting away his things and getting changed, a small ‘tsk’ coming from his mouth when he realizes that it’s only 10pm. he can’t blame him, though; they were awake til four the day before.

he’s about to sink back into his chair and go through the notes when soonyoung’s hand starts patting a space on the bed, his voice groggy. “jihoonie…sleep.”

jihoon blinks, completely frozen in his spot. he’s quick to figure out what soonyoung’s implying, and he’s quick to stumble on his thoughts and his words as he tries to figure out an excuse. “i — i have to work on…stuff. you’re awake?”

“take a break…” soonyoung continues, even shuffling around on the bed so that jihoon has more space. _this is crazy this is fucking crazy soonyoung’s just tired that he doesn’t know what he’s saying —_

but god damn, does jihoon want to take it. and for the life of him, he can’t figure out what the fuck he’s feeling. there’s a banging in his chest and no coherent thought in his brain and the only thing that seems to be functioning is that heart of his that’s telling him to take up soonyoung on his offer ( _but does is right to when he’s so sleepy?_ ). he can’t think of any reason to, can’t make any sense of his jumbled thoughts. it’s just him and his heart and the way soonyoung’s side looked so comfortable right now and the question of just how nice it’d be to be by his side and the greed to _want_ to be side that makes jihoon take a deep, deep breath.

he turns off the monitor for the night, tiptoeing his way to his bed. he lies down, at first a good couple of inches away from soonyoung. he’s fine with that, and he finds himself actually falling asleep when soonyoung’s arm wraps around him, bringing him closer than what he’d initially thought.

soonyoung’s face is so close to jihoon’s, his breathing moving the hair in front of his face. he looks so peaceful, so relaxed…the opposite of jihoon, who’s panicking so much in the inside that he could practically explode. he’s…holding him. he’s not sure what soonyoung’s doing, but it definitely was _not_ what he expected when he said to go to sleep.

though it’s practically pitch black, he can make out the outlines of soonyoung’s cheeks, his nose, his mouth. he’s seen them, but not this close before. he didn’t think he’d ever get to — he didn’t think he’d ever _have_ to. but soonyoung’s face is all that he can focus on now: the soonyoung that he’s become so familiar with, the soonyoung that he cares about, the soonyoung that makes his heart feel unbelievably wonderful things. it’s frustrating not knowing _what_ that feeling’s called, though. for some reason, he wishes he knew what it was.

for some reason, being held by soonyoung made him a little too happy.

* * *

a first draft of the songs is given to jam jam per soonyoung’s request; “they’ve got an eye for detail because of me”, he said with an airy laugh, “and they’ll be more honest when i’m not around.”

right. soonyoung had to go to a ta’s office hours for today, and so jihoon heads to jam jam’s practice room by himself, a route he’s memorized because of last quarter’s collaboration. three heads look at him when he opens the door, and he gulps.

“did soonyoung send you over to cover for him for today’s practice?” jun jokes, but the thought of it petrifies jihoon for a second. if he did…he wouldn’t be able to do soonyoung’s dancing any justice. “what’s up?”

“soonyoung wanted to show you guys the first draft of his solo album.” jihoon holds up his phone, and immediately three pairs of eyes light up in surprise, in excitement. he sits down to finish off the circle they’ve formed on the floor, takes a deep breath, and presses play.

the songs are strong, confident, self-assured — everything that soonyoung encompasses that he finds so admirable. it’s just the first draft, but he already hears areas that he’s got to improve and work on; it’s in his nature to perfect anything he works on. he’s tireless when it comes to music, persistent when it comes to crafting something, and it’s because _he’s_ in that music, no matter who it’s for. every ounce of him is represented in each note, each melody, and he wants to make it count. for soonyoung’s songs, though…a part of him wants it to reach past perfection.

“wow,” chan says when the final song ends, mouth smiling wide. “you made hyung sound good! that’s really hard to do!”

that makes jihoon chuckle a little. “hey, your brother’s good on his own. i’m just helping him get better.”

“hm.” jihoon finds a rather smug look on minghao’s face, as if he knows something; why’s he so curious about it? “well, you two work well together. keep it up.”

* * *

“hey, let’s go somewhere, jihoonie.”

jihoon blinks at soonyoung, taking off his headphones and giving a slight tilt of his head. “what?”

“well, jam jam liked it, right? the songs so far?” soonyoung smiles, spinning jihoon’s chair around so that they’re face to face. (a flashback to the other night when soonyoung had pulled him close in bed — it makes jihoon’s heart race.) “you’ve got the rest of the quarter to work on them, so i think we should do something fun.”

“i…” jihoon pauses, running a hand through his hair to try and find a singular thought. “i mean…fun?”

“what about it?”

“well, this stuff is fun.”

“oh, _come on_.” soonyoung grabs jihoon’s hand and pulls him up — _shit fuck what the fuck oh my god!_ he wonders why it felt so natural for soonyoung’s fingers to wrap around his, why he feels so _good_ holding soonyoung’s hand. _fuck, is that creepy?_ “i mean fun _outside_. fresh air, all of that! let’s get you out of this room of yours! how about this — you let me take you to my secret spot, and i’ll get you food.”

well, he can’t say no to food. jihoon nods, and soonyoung whisks him away.

he finds himself going with the flow when it comes to soonyoung’s spontaneity. something about it is so intriguing, so entrancing, like he wants to see where it’ll lead him. he doesn’t mind the journey because soonyoung makes it all the worth while.

it’s when they get to soonyoung’s car that soonyoung lets go of jihoon’s hand, and already it feels so…empty. they drive to their favorite fried chicken place — “thank god there’s one open even at night,” soonyoung says while he passes the food over to jihoon — before they go soonyoung’s secret location.

jihoon wonders if he’s the first one soonyoung’s ever taken to this ‘secret spot’; _why do i care so much?_ the streets of seoul aren’t familiar to him yet, each turn giving him exactly zero hints as to where they’re going, but he’s oddly okay with that. he trusts soonyoung. he knows he wouldn’t do anything to put him in a bad situation.

when they park, jihoon still doesn’t know where the fuck they are, but when soonyoung tells jihoon to follow him, he doesn’t object. he’d get lost otherwise. “it’s a bit of walking,” he says behind his shoulder, smile illuminated by the street lights, “but think of it as exercise.” they walk by benches, a few tents, a body of crisp, blue water showing off the city’s lights in its reflection in the most mesmerizing ways. the fresh air really was nice.

they stop when they’re near a bridge, and soonyoung hobbles over underneath a rather big tree, sitting down with a satisfied sigh and gesturing jihoon to sit next to him. jihoon looks around for a bit after he does, taking in the scenery of it all, finding the water’s ripples to be relaxing.

“the han river’s really beautiful at night.” soonyoung opens the box filled with fried chicken, letting out a satisfied sigh when the smell of garlic chicken hits his nose. “and this tree’s been here for as long as i can remember. there’s a perfect view of just about everything — this is my favorite spot!”

“wow…” jihoon looks at the towering buildings, the ever-reaching skyscrapers, the red and yellow lights of cars going back and forth across the river. it truly was beautiful, a city of stars as the night sky makes ever single light shine in a way that the black background and faintly twinkling stars only could. seoul is a city that promises everything and anything, and it looks the part. it’s not thanks to soonyoung that he gets to see this sight.

soonyoung turns his gaze away from jihoon’s look of amazement, his smile widening as he eats a piece of chicken. “when i was a kid, i used to go here at night and look up at the stars. cheesy, right? but that’s when i started to like them a lot.”

jihoon starts eating as well, finding his pesky stomach a little annoying when it growls more than usual. “yeah, cheesy, but it’s not a bad reason, either.”

soonyoung gives jihoon a playful nudge. “so? what’s your reason?”

“for what?”

“for finding music so fun that you’d spend all day doing it?”

“haha, well…” jihoon sees that soonyoung’s staring at him from the corner of his eyes, but he isn’t able to make out _what_ that look could possibly entail. either way, it makes jihoon a little nervous, self-conscious yet enjoying soonyoung’s stationary gaze towards _him_. “my english teacher from when i was kid would teach me to play instruments instead of the language he was supposed to teach. but it was always fun learning about it, so i did more, and now…here i am. it’s not as extravagant of a story.”

“but it’s not a bad reason, either.”

jihoon finally turns to look at soonyoung, entranced right away at the fact that nighttime couldn’t dampen soonyoung’s silhouette. he’s able to see every part of him clearly, and yet…he knows every detail of soonyoung that it feels like he’s overindulging now. it just feels so greedy. and yet they keep steady eye contact, jihoon finding himself unafraid of doing so despite the selfishness he’s gotten himself into. it’s a desire that he isn’t sure of, but he doesn’t dislike it.

and somehow, it felt like soonyoung was telling him something silently — _‘i’m glad that your english teacher did that, because look at where you are now’_. he could say the same things for the stars above them tonight.

“hm. come here.” soonyoung takes the back of jihoon’s head and brings it close, giving jihoon a spot on his shoulder to rest his head on. it’s a surprise, but jihoon doesn’t want to say anything. it just felt too right.

“we’ve got to work on the album tomorrow, you know.”

“i know.” soonyoung’s hand hasn’t moved away from his head; he’s giving him head pats like someone would for a cat, and honestly, it just makes jihoon happy. it makes him _happy_. he just hopes soonyoung doesn’t pick up on the continuous drumming of his heart — somehow, it felt embarrassing that _that_ was happening because of a simple gesture.

the quiet isn’t suffocating. it’s nice, actually. he can really take in that soonyoung’s next to him, and that he’s next to soonyoung. he _really_ likes being next to soonyoung.

“…thanks for the break, soonyoung.”

“anything for you, jihoonie.”

* * *

birthdays are an important occasion for jeonghan, frequently using the apartment that he rents alongside seungcheol and joshua for parties crammed like a tuna can. and when you’re in jeonghan’s circle of friends, you _have_ to go to each and every party he hosts. that includes jihoon. it’s why he refuses to tell jeonghan when his birthday is.

the party is for two birthdays; jeonghan had originally planned it for seokmin, but when seungcheol informed him that vernon shares the same birthday, he quickly doubled the party supplies to celebrate his as well. jihoon braces himself when he’s in front of the apartment, taking a couple of deep breaths before he knocks.

the door swings open, seungcheol’s face greeting him right away. “jihoon! come in.”

the lights are dimmed, an absurd amount of people already packed into the apartment that jihoon wonders where in the world jeonghan’s gathered this many people. then again, seokmin’s directly personable and vernon’s indirectly personable; two birthdays in ones yields for a good amount of people.

jihoon grabs a can of soda from the kitchen as per jeonghan party tradition, ready to seek out the emptiest place and sitting there on his phone that he’s made _sure_ is at a hundred percent so that it lasts him the night.

he makes sure that jeonghan sees him first so that he doesn’t pester him as to whether or not he’s there. he waves at the older boy only for jeonghan to give the most mischievous of grins, one that sends a shiver down jihoon’s spine. _what the fuck was that for?_

he tries not to think about it and begins his push through the crowd, an easy endeavor for someone with a small stature like himself. it’s one of the few instances where he actually appreciates it. he lowers his hat and his head, avoiding meeting someone’s eyes along the way, but it means that he doesn’t know exactly _where_ he’s ending rather than the general end of the hallway.

his hand finds a door knob, and he opens it right away when the crowd starts to basically squeeze the air out of him and closing it with a slam so that there’s no overflow that makes its way in. he finds himself in the fucking _bathroom_ of all places, his heart stopping in an instant when he hears water running. _fuck, did i just walk in to someone taking a shit?_ he slowly, slowly, _slowly_ raises his gaze, preparing himself to apologize tenfold —

“jihoon?” oh my god, it’s soonyoung. the other boy stands up with a smile — a _smile_ — quickly showing up on his face, and he laughs. “oh, don’t worry! i was just washing my hands from some beer that jun spilled on me. he gets a little wild.”

“soon…oh my god.” of course. of _course_ jeonghan would invite jam jam, would invite soonyoung. a small tease in jihoon’s direction. well, to be fair, jam jam’s become jeonghan’s friends in the first place, so this was inevitable, bound to happen at some point. “oh god, i’m so glad it’s you.”

“hm?” soonyoung dries off his hand with a towel, laughing a bit. “yeah, there’s a lot of them out there. jeonghan takes this seriously.”

“i get his sentiment, but _god_.” jihoon sinks down on the floor, no longer holding his breath from the overwhelming party on the other side. “it’s a bit too much sometimes.”

“yeah, i get that.” soonyoung sits right in front of him, something that makes jihoon…happy. it makes him a _little_ happy. “i told him my birthday during that beach trip not knowing _this_ would be the result.”

jihoon can’t stop himself from asking this question. “when _is_ your birthday?”

“june 15. you?”

“…okay. so.” jihoon takes a sip of his soda for a moment, surprised at how quickly soonyoung answered. “i haven’t told anyone, especially jeonghan, about my birthday. promise me you’ll keep it a secret?”

“promise.”

“it’s november 22.”

“november 22…hey!” soonyoung jumps up from the floor, almost slipping from the mat underneath him. he’s blinking incredulously at jihoon, mouth wide open in his apparent shock. “that’s long gone!”

“yeah, and?”

“oh my god, and i didn’t even _greet_ you?”

“oh come on.” jihoon rolls his eyes. “you don’t have to.”

“but i…i _knew_ you by then. we were working on ‘highlight’.” soonyoung runs his hands through his hair, looking into the mirror, as if asking his own reflection for something. he stares at himself for a while — _oh god, he really is asking himself for something._ it leaves a weird type of silence in the bathroom, though muffled music from the party filters in.

soonyoung finally snaps out of it after a minute or two, and the first thing he does is hold out his hand at jihoon. “come on!”

“uh…” jihoon takes his hand and lets soonyoung pull him up, though there’s no hiding the confusion on his expression. “what’s going on?”

“i’m making it up to you and leaving this party. it’s a win win, right?”

* * *

soonyoung takes him to a karaoke place nearby, buying themselves an hour of unfiltered singing. when they get to their room, soonyoung’s like a dog with zoomies — he’s quick to set up the machine, the mics, everything, like he’s done it a million times.

“i figured…well, this would be fun. singing and all,” soonyoung says with a shrug of his shoulder when he’s finally done running about, giving jihoon a mic and the tablet with all the songs on it. “happy late birthday!”

“…huh.” jihoon lets himself smile, the sentiment appealing to him in a way that makes him appreciate soonyoung’s attention to detail, to _him_. “i haven’t been to karaoke for a while.”

“karaoke’s an all around great place for just about anything. birthdays, get-togethers, a date — ” soonyoung’s quick to pick on his hiccup. “not that — it’s for a birthday, _your_ birthday!”

something about that — ‘a date’ — makes jihoon feel…weird. a fluttery feeling in his stomach. it’s not nervousness, not hesitation, not _anything_ he could think of. it’s something else completely. he hates that he can’t put a name to it.

soonyoung clears his throat. “so, uh, you pick a song first, late birthday boy.”

“ah, right.” jihoon looks down on the tablet. he hopes that focusing on this, focusing on singing for a whole hour will get his mind off the weird feeling in his stomach. he looks for a while, thinking hard about the perfect first song until he finds a name a little too familiar. he smiles in the freedom soonyoung’s given him in this karaoke room, picking a song from theirs after debating which one is his favorite title track.

and just like that, the first few notes of ‘married to the music’ begins.

* * *

a part of jihoon’s own songs comes from wanting to challenge himself, and this one is no exception. it’s a simple ballad song, something that relies heavily on vocals, but he doesn’t mind it. he _wants_ to figure out just how well he’ll do with this type of song, the lyrics reaching for complexity and notes going for something he’s never done before. it’s good.  
****

he hums a bit of it, writing and rewriting the lyrics on a doc that’s seen way too many control z’s from his constant revisions. he shakes his head when the words just don’t work well and he nods his head when he puts together a lyric that goes along with the rest.

but he has to wonder to himself — _where are these words coming from?_ ‘this waiting, it’s not easy to endure’, ‘until the end, i’m too stupid, so i don’t know the answer’…it’s definitely about something. it’s definitely about _someone_.

he finds himself looking through his other opened projects, soonyoung’s songs being the first two of about a hundred others that pale in comparison to how much he wants these two songs to sound good. his standard’s is nothing compared to the amount of excellence he wants both ‘hurricane’ and ‘touch’, both drafts waiting for soonyoung’s opinions.

soonyoung, soonyoung, soonyoung. he thinks about soonyoung a lot. it’s one of those rare occasions when he _isn’t_ sleeping in jihoon’s room, but soonyoung had to study for a midterm today. it makes sense. pfft, _no_ , jihoon isn’t _sad_ about soonyoung not being there.

‘why do i think about you so much’ — shit, he didn’t mean to type that into a _search engine_. he presses enter thinking he’s going to the next line when in reality, a new page has loaded, a hundred million search results popping up in mere milliseconds.

“…hm.” jihoon squints at all the results, finding himself in the midst of song lyrics and poems. well, he guesses it’s a common line to look for. he scrolls down the page, half-assing his comprehension of most until one particular link catches his eye.

‘ _i think i love him?_ ’ without thinking, jihoon clicks on the link to a question and answer website.

**_i think i love him?_** by _ymmdcarrot  
_so i’ve been friends with this guy for like a while, and i would get all these weird feelings around him. i’d feel my heart go crazy, my thoughts go stupid, and butterflies in my stomach! i was completely defenseless in front of this guy and i think about him ALL. THE. TIME. idk why but just being with him makes me happy. i’d do anything to be with him which sounds weird but that’s what it feels like. i thought about it and…i think that it’s love. i think i love him. anyone else get this sort of feeling? is this true??

_teenaged_ answered:  
can’t say for real but uh….YEAH, YOU LOVE HIM.

he can’t believe he had to read a yahoo answer from 2009 to figure this out. all those times with soonyoung, all those feelings and thoughts and ways of acting because he just doesn’t know how to deal with it…fuck, it was _love_. he _loves soonyoung_. it makes fucking sense. he loves soonyoung.

it wasn’t greed, it was love. it wasn’t weird, it was love. it wasn’t nervousness, it was love. wanting to be by soonyoung’s side was because of love. being happy because he was next to soonyoung was because of love. every moment he’s felt feeling like a completely different person borne was because of love.

“fuck, i love him.” jihoon finds himself holding onto the bottom of his shirt tightly, his face so red from just…oh god, he was so fucking stupid. he was an idiot! it took him this long to put a name to it…

…but what does he do with that name now? no way in hell was he just going to say it out loud, especially in front of _soonyoung_. he doesn’t want to mess up what they have now, this friendship that they’ve built — but god, ‘friendship’ doesn’t cut it anymore. can he really stay just friends?

he really wants to take a step forward, but…no, soonyoung probably doesn’t feel the same way. no way he would. why would he? he’s just…jihoon’s just…he’s just himself. he’s ordinary. he doesn’t want to play with that idea anymore.

but he loves him. every cheesy love song makes sense all of a sudden. he repeats it over and over again: _i’m in love with soonyoung i’m in love with soonyoung i’m in love with soonyoung i’m in love with soonyoung i’m in love with soonyoung i’m in love with soonyoung i’m in love with soonyoung i’m in love with soonyoung i’m in love with soonyoung…_

he sighs. god, one am in the morning is a weird time. he loves soonyoung.

well…at least he knows what to do with this song now. at least he thinks he does. it depends on whether or not he wants to tell soonyoung that he loves him, but…a part of him does want to in the only way he knows.

* * *

“oh, wonwoo.” jihoon greets the other boy with a simple nod, a hand gesturing lightly to the direction that wonwoo came from. “you met up with the group today?”

“we were going to think of different concepts, but we just ended up hanging out,” wonwoo says with a shrug. “so it goes. now i head back to my dorm.”

“me too. what building?”

“two.”

“me too…” jihoon trails off, shaking his head. _there’s a shit ton of students here. it’s not coincidence._ “how is it? your dorm, i mean?”

“well, there’s two of us, but i _barely_ see him this days.” wonwoo sighs, pocketing his hands and taking strides forward. jihoon follows him, cursing that his long strides don’t match his short ones. “he’s always m.i.a. that it’s _crazy_.”

“but isn’t it a good thing?” jihoon asks. “i mean, he isn’t there, so you get it to yourself.”

“well, yeah, but i worry about him too, you know? that he’s not getting into trouble.”

“i guess.”

“hm, well, anyway…in the end, soonyoung’s his own person.”

jihoon stops in his tracks, the name hitting too deep that he can’t do anything else but stare right ahead. wonwoo realizes that the shorter boy isn’t following him, and he turns around, confused. “what is it?”

“soonyoung’s…your roommate?”

“yeah. what about it?”

“he…” oh god. how does he say this? “he sleeps over… at my dorm, you know. he started to do that because he said his roommate — you — gets drunk a lot…”

“that’s…seriously?” wonwoo makes a disgusted face. “i don’t like alcohol, and i’m asleep at 10pm.”

_now hold on a fucking second —_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been a hot second since i updated this huh  
> oof it took a while...i'm sorry. :( i def want to finish it so i'll!! be trying for that last chapter!!  
> feels like my writing changed a bit too from the last two chapters to this one bc of all the one-shots in between OTL.  
> i think this might be the shortest chapter too but i hope it's ok,, need that BUILD UP


	4. adore you. (enough to get dizzy.)

the thing about the couch in jeonghan’s shared apartment is that it’s actually a pull out couch with a bed, something he regularly flaunts to the music lovers. “you can crash at our place _any time_ ,” jeonghan would say, “and all you have to do is ask!” jihoon would roll his eyes whenever he’d say that, but karma’s a bitch that just had to fuck him over like this.

“thanks for letting me stay here,” jihoon mumbles as he throws his bag to the side of the bed. he sinks into the couch with a sigh, holding one of the pillows jeonghan had laid out and hoping that jeonghan won’t ask him questions.

but of course this persistent hyung isn’t like that. “so how long are you planning on staying?” jihoon shrugs. “you don’t _know_?”

“it’s complicated,” he mutters into the pillow.

“oh boy.” jeonghan sits next to jihoon, giving him his usual pat on the shoulder when he’s got his parental mode on. “is it soonyoung?”

“what?” jihoon’s turns red — and fuck, jeonghan notices. “no. _no_ …okay, maybe.”

“do you want to talk about it?”

“no.”

and then there’s silence. its unusual. it’s so unusual that it’s a little unnerving. it felt like there was a jump scare just waiting to happen, and jihoon can’t handle jump scares. it feels like extremely uncomfortable tension. his heart’s pounding out of suspense. he doesn’t like that jeonghan isn’t saying anything, but god damn, that’s the _plan_ , isn’t it? that’s jeonghan’s big old plan and he really hates that this hyung knows what he’s doing.

“soonyoung started sleeping over at my dorm because he said his roommate’s a loud drunk,” jihoon says in a small voice, a mumbled sound that requires jeonghan to lean in closer just to hear. “but his roommate is wonwoo and wonwoo doesn’t drink.”

“mhm.”

“at first he’d use that excuse but eventually he just went over to my dorm just because. he’d fall asleep there just because. he was there just because and i didn’t have a problem with that.”

“mhm.”

“a part of me’s wondering if he did all that because he knew i made music and that he wanted in? that he talked to me just for that? it sounds so shitty when i say it out loud.”

“mhm.”

“but i hate the idea of that and i don’t want it to be true. he doesn’t seem like he’d do that. in all the time i’ve spent with him he’s just been a good person. i want to believe that he’s not that type of person and that i’m not being stupid in wanting that.”

“mhm.”

“the weird thing is is that i’m not even _mad_ at him. i can’t find myself being mad at him, i just can’t. i’m just confused. i just want to know _why_.”

“mhm.”

“but instead of being a grown ass adult and communicating with him i’m here in your apartment hiding out and avoiding him in real life and on my phone and everywhere else because i don’t know what to say to him and i don’t want to ruin what we have and this is embarrassing. this is fucking embarrassing!” jihoon buries his face in his pillow with a groan. “i’m being stupid and it’s not like me and it’s _annoying_.”

“we don’t have life all figured out, jihoon.” jeonghan’s voice is reassuring. it helped a whole lot. “if anything, it’s a good thing you didn’t do anything right away when you haven’t been able to think about it. it sounds to me that you’re just constipated.”

“what?”

“you know, when you feel like something’s stuck — ”

“but not like, actual shit, right?”

“no, no, just constipated in the _inside_.” jihoon looks up from his pillow with a confused look on his face, and jeonghan shakes his head. “you know what you want to say but you’re having difficulty saying it. something’s holding you back.”

“well.” jihoon pauses, trying to think of a way not to give _too_ much away. “i _said_ i wanted to keep being his friend — ”

“and something else, right?”

“…no.”

“sure.” jeonghan picks up jihoon’s bag, shuffling through its contents for a bit. then he sighs, ending it with a small _tsk_ like a disapproving parent would. “your clothes are all wrinkled.”

“i picked them up from the floor.”

“your laptop’s here but no charger.”

“we have the same model. it’s fine.”

“and…instant coffee?” the expression on jeonghan’s face was _scary_. he was serious. it was an ‘you better listen to me’ type of expression. jihoon didn’t want to mess with _this_ jeonghan at all. “you know you have to go back to your dorm eventually, right?”

“…i know,” jihoon says with a sigh. “but i just…need a few days. i need a few days to think.”

“you get three.” jeonghan zips up jihoon’s bag and puts it back in its place with a huff. “ _three days_. i better see you tossing and turning in this pull out couch because of how much you’re thinking about it!”

“hyung!”

“it’s for your own good!” now jeonghan’s face shows off a smile, something jihoon didn’t realize he missed so much. “anyway, seungcheol and joshua are bringing back some chinese take out. do you want some?”

* * *

the way wonwoo drops his tray on the table startles jihoon from eating his lunch, but the tired look on this person’s face prevents him from saying something about it. wonwoo sits down and looks at the food for a bit, but he only yawns and rubs his eyes even with the cold expression on his face.

“…can i help you?” jihoon looks around, but there’s no sight of seungcheol, vernon, or mingyu. “there’s no hip hop group meeting today.”

“i don’t know how else to say this.” wonwoo picks at the chicken on his plate as he squints at jihoon. (he forgot his glasses. he _thinks_ this is jihoon. it sounds like jihoon.) “but…what happened? what happened between you and soonyoung?”

“that…” jihoon almost chokes on his rice. “how’d you — ?”

“he keeps whining about you.” wonwoo says with a shrug, surprising jihoon with his nonchalant tone. or maybe he’s just tired. “he keeps saying, ‘jihoon’s not at his dorm, he’s not answering his texts, he’s not talking to me’. i ask him, ‘why do you want to see him so badly?’ and then he just says, ‘because!’”

jihoon can picture soonyoung’s pout when he says that, crossing his arms and kicking his feet like a little kid. he thinks it’s endearing, but he pushes that feeling away. _no, not right now_ , he tells himself. _wonwoo’s putting up with this shit._

“you know, it’s because he’s slept over at your dorm so much that i forgot i was sharing the room with him. but he gets like this when he’s upset. _really_ upset.” wonwoo’s expression doesn’t change, although his eyes are serious — _way_ more serious. how does he tell wonwoo that he knows, that he’s seen soonyoung like this? _oh god, that sounds fucking creepy, put it back_. “…maybe i shouldn’t have told you this. he was the one bothering you in the first place. i’m sorry about that, by the way.”

“no, no, it’s…it’s fine.” jihoon shakes his head. “it’s not like…he wasn’t…it wasn’t a bother to me at all.”

wonwoo’s head tilts when he hears jihoon’s lowkey confession, and jihoon can’t help but scold himself for being a bit too honest like that. he could have just said it was fine. he could have just ended it there.

“that’s good to hear,” wonwoo finally says, distracting jihoon from his internal turmoil. “what he did was no excuse, but i want to say that it wasn’t out of ill intentions. he’s very fond of you, you know.”

jihoon raises his head, his heart taking a huge leap. “he is?”

“well, he had me ask you to make a song for jam jam, didn’t he? he admires your work and respects you as a person.” that makes jihoon feel a _little_ good. he hates and likes that he thinks that — _not the time, jihoon. stop pining for a second._ “but even before that…” wonwoo’s voice trails off right at the important bit. “i don’t think i’m allowed to say it.”

“you give me all that lead up for nothing?”

“it’s not in my place to say. only soonyoung is.”

“…great.”

“you know, i think you two would really benefit from a talk.” wonwoo crosses his arms, and he looks like he’s teasing him. _teasing_ him. and for what? “you _are_ going to, right? when’s that going to happen?”

“…in a bit,” jihoon says with a huff. “i plan to. eventually. soon. yeah.”

“well, i can’t blame you for that.” wonwoo’s nod relieves jihoon — he didn’t realize that he’d been this tense at all. he isn’t used to conversations like this mostly because he avoids conversations like this. “but can i offer some advice? don’t put it off for too long. soonyoung’s not only my annoying roommate, but he’s also my friend. i don’t want my friend to be like that. and if you’re the same way, well…i don’t want you to be like that, either.”

_god, you and me both._

* * *

jihoon is a man of his word, and he always tries to finish what he started. that includes soonyoung’s solo album.

to be fair, the album is pretty much done — “i like it, i like it, i like it!” soonyoung had said the last time they were working on it — but jihoon wanted to tweak it a bit more. perfect its sound. it probably wasn’t all that necessary; ‘i want to add some finishing touches’ was really an unconscious excuse to listen to soonyoung over and over and over again without finding much to fix. he wasn’t honest with his feelings back then, but thinking about it now… god, that’s embarrassing. he really did that.

and so soonyoung’s solo album was in jihoon’s laptop, the file greeting him along with the ten billion other things on his desktop in a bittersweet kind of way. soonyoung told jihoon he could upload it whenever he ‘finished looking over it’ — “i trust you with the songs,” he said, “since you’re the one that wrote them!” _fuck_ , he tells himself, _that’s going to make this so complicated._

he’s been holding off on posting it, however, because he just can’t seem to find the right time to. could he even do that at this point after ghosting soonyoung for one and a half days and counting? but he feels bad for holding onto it, especially when soonyoung worked really hard on it. he’s just not sure on what he should do. he hates not knowing what to do.

it’s a good thing that soonyoung’s little brother begged jihoon to hear the finished product before he could post it, an advanced ‘special sneak peek’ of the whole album that he follows through with.

“wow, it’s improved a lot since the first draft!” chan exclaims, the smile on his face putting jihoon at some sort of ease. _well, at least the music isn’t a total flop._ “it sounds so professional. i can’t believe hyung did that.”

jihoon shrugs, though it is nice to hear. there’s always a lot going into a song, but of course it’s also got to be professional. “do you think that he’d be able to become a famous singer?”

“truthfully, yes, but sibling code tells me to say no.” chan laughs at his own joke longer than usual, but jihoon lets him. “so? when are you going to drop the album?”

“uh…” jihoon leans back in his chair, finding interest in the light behind chan in an attempt to avoid some difficult eye contact. “eventually. i’ll upload it eventually.”

“i see. i’m sure he’ll be happy once it does, though! maybe he’ll stop sulking then.” chan nods in obliviousness, and he wonders if soonyoung isn’t whining as much with his own little brother then with his roommate. maybe it’d be embarrassing with family? he can’t figure that one out. he’ll stop trying to.

he’s sulking. _sulking_. the descriptions of soonyoung he’s getting from other people sounds absolutely miserable. he wants to get all of this over with soon, but he doesn’t want to make it any worse with half-assed words.

he needs to really pull his shit together.

* * *

his homework is extra unappealing to him right now. he can’t even do schoolwork in this state. jihoon sighs, closing the textbook in front of him and putting his head in his hand, ruffling his hair in frustration.

of course he can’t focus. it’s because of him. it’s because of soonyoung.

it’s the ‘why' that scares him the most. why did he do that? why would he think that he needed to say such that his roommate’s being a loud drunk? it’s such an odd conversation starter, if it ever was one. he couldn’t think of a single logical reason, if there ever was one.

his mind circles back to the one ‘why’ he hates the most — _maybe he just did that to get closer and to get me to write something for him_. the one for jam jam was a collaboration, but soonyoung’s songs were friends working on something they were passionate about. he hates thinking that all those times before and after were fake. he doesn’t want to see soonyoung like that.

he doesn’t seem like the type of person who would do that sort of thing ( _is he even able to come up with something like that?_ ), but a person’s true character is as enigmatic as everything else. trying to find out is so exhausting. jihoon never thought he’d be mulling over it as much as he is now, but damn it, soonyoung’s a person that he can’t help but think so much about.

it’s frustrating that he doesn’t know why, but he doesn’t find himself hating soonyoung. he can’t find himself doing that at all. having a bad spot for soonyoung just doesn’t seem right. maybe he’s just being stupid, that he’s really letting his feelings take a hold of this one.

because damn it, even with all of this, it kills him not to see soonyoung and to have a conversation with soonyoung and to be by soonyoung’s side. it feels almost empty without soonyoung no matter where he is. maybe this is what being in love does to you — god, did he just say that?

but maybe it’s because of what he feels for soonyoung — that he’s irreplaceable and fascinating and damn it, okay, yeah, he loves him like that — that makes this all the more grueling. he gets that the highs come with their lows, but he didn’t think it’d be _this_ low. he just wants to get these hardships over with and get to the part where they’re hanging out again, being in each other’s presence.

“damn it, i like him too much,” jihoon says to himself.

“i’m sorry, what?”

seungcheol stands at the doorway of his apartment with bags of groceries in his hands, just about ready to drop them. god. oh god. _oh god oh god oh god oh god —_

“…hey, hyung.”

“still here, jihoon?”

“for one more night, yeah.”

“so who do you like?”

“oh my god!” and just like that, jihoon’s face gets hot real fast. “just like that?”

“just. like. that.” seungcheol practically throws the groceries on the table, pulling up a chair next to jihoon and leaning in close. “having boy trouble, jihoon? want to talk to dad about it?”

“i already told jeonghan, so — ”

“you told jeonghan but not _me_?”

“why you?”

seungcheol huffs, obviously displeased. “i want to help too, you know! spill.”

jihoon doesn’t feel like repeating his own spiel again. it already felt like he said too much when talking to jeonghan about it. it’s kind of embarrassing. he wants to handle it by himself as much as possible, no matter how agonizing it can be. it _has_ to be him.

but now that seungcheol’s heard it, he’s not going to budge out of that chair. the timing of that is just too fucking bad. jihoon sighs, and he makes sure that his expression is as cool as possible. “it’s a _friend_ , okay. the reason why i’m staying over is because of this friend.”

“okay. what’d the friend do?”

“he lied about something. the thing is, though, is that i don’t know why he did it. i don’t know why but i _want_ to know why. that’s all.”

“so go ask him.”

“but it’s…complicated. it doesn’t feel like i can do that. i don’t know _how_ to ask him without have to explain…other things.” woah, okay, haha, maybe that’s a bit too much. back it up, jihoon, back it up.

“hm.” seungcheol looks at him for a moment, nodding his head up and down, up and down, up and down. its his nodding and thinking that makes this suspenseful silence step in. it makes jihoon’s breathing feel like too much noise that he almost just stops completely.

“if that’s the case, then ask him your way,” seungcheol finally says, although it makes zero sense. typical. _why didn’t i just hold my tongue? i could have done that. i could have done that_ easily _. i’m having a lot of conversations lately._

“okay…what the fuck does that mean?”

“you ask him what you want to know in your own way. it’s more honest like that.” seungcheol shrugs, and the smile on his face is scheming. it’s planning something. oh god, jihoon doesn’t like that smile. “a song, perhaps?”

“do you think i just churn those out?”

“no, but knowing you, you already have something. it’s sitting in your laptop right now.”

“have you been snooping?”

“so i was _right_.”

jihoon pouts when seungcheol gives off the proudest grin he’s ever seen. he hates that he’s right. seungcheol gives jihoon a pat on the shoulder as he gets up, a gesture he annoyingly shares with jeonghan. it knows too much. “see,” he says, remembering the groceries that he has to put away, “honesty is the best policy.”

* * *

jihoon’s three days at the 95 line apartment are finished, and _god_ was that an experience. so much opening up and being subjected to their near-death uno games. don’t get him wrong, he’s more than grateful that they even let him stay there in the first place ( _the tables turned a bit there_ ), but he probably won’t spend the night there for a while. or ever again. he’ll see.

he’s practically dragging his bag back to his dorm room, the extra weight jeonghan had added being a bag of carrot sticks so that “you could have at least _one_ healthy snack!” he’s mentally preparing himself for the conversation to come, the interaction he’s been dreading and looking forward to the most these past few days. he’s preparing himself for the pressure and the anxiety that’ll surely overwhelm him once it starts, but damn it, he’ll power through. he knows what to do. he knows what he has to say. _i can do this i can do this i can do this_. he’s going face to face with —

“…soonyoung.” jihoon stops just a few inches away from the man himself, the other boy standing right in from of room 137. right in front of his door. just his luck. _oh god i didn’t think i’d have to talk to him_ now _._ he clears his throat. “what’s up?”

“jihoon.” soonyoung blinks, practically frozen in place; his hand is still balled up in a fist, raised up and paused mid-knock. has soonyoung been going over all this time? it sends mixed feelings through jihoon’s heart. “jihoon, you’re…you’re okay! god, are you okay? you look okay. where have you been? what have you been up to? what’s going on?”

the flurry of words sends jihoon in a daze, but thank god that it only lasts a few seconds. he scratches the back of his head. where does he start? “i was over at jeonghan’s apartment the last few days. i’m fine, really.” soonyoung lets out a sigh of relief; _he didn’t have to be so concerned over me, but…_ “what are you…?”

“i was going to see if you were finally here.” and then soonyoung smiles. he _smiles_. it’s gummy and genuine and just right. it makes jihoon’s chest tighten a whole lot because wow so much is going through him right now that he has to grip the straps of his bag to stay conscious. “and you are now! thank god. i got the notification that you uploaded my album.”

oh. okay. it’s heading in the right direction. jihoon nods. “you did well.”

“haha, thank you, but you did a good job working on it! it’s really good. you made really, _really_ good songs and i had fun working on them with you. i’m thankful for all that you’ve done.” soonyoung’s enthusiasm is obvious; there’s no way jihoon’s going to feel bad over that. he’s glad that it’s done and that the world could hear his talents and that he liked it. he’s _so_ glad that he liked it. he can feel small bits of happiness seeping in from deep, deep down, but he’d be way, _way_ happier if there weren’t pressing topics that have yet to be brought up.

soonyoung’s smile persists for a good minute before the silence that slices in between them lingers longer than it needs to, and it starts to falter. his face is worried. jihoon doesn’t like the look of it at all. “jihoon…what happened?”

a lie at first. “i needed some time away to finish your album.”

soonyoung tilts his head. he’s way too easy to convince. “really?”

“…no. that’s not it.” jihoon sighs, his knuckles turning white from how tight he’s been holding his bag. that was a stupid thing to say. “soonyoung, why’d you lie to me? that your roommate was bothering you so much that you had to sleep over?”

soonyoung blinks, and when jihoon’s words are finished processing in his brain, he looks absolutely _defeated_. it felt like a horrible punch to the stomach. but he _had_ to know. he had to the right to say that. he _did_ say that. _oh my god i did it i said that._ it’s a small step outside of the box, but a necessary one.

he doesn’t stop there. “you know what the craziest thing is? it’s that i’m not even angry — i’m _scared_. i’m scared that all this time we’ve spent has all just been pretend or something. it’s making me question every second and every minute and to be fucking honest, it’s the most exhausting thing. i hated it. i thought that maybe you weren’t hanging out with me because you actually liked hanging out with me but because of something else. i _hated_ thinking about that, too. i wanted to believe that that wasn’t true, but i couldn’t think of another reason. deep down i was hoping that it wasn’t like that and you were actually being genuine and that you really meant everything you said and that you’re a good person so please say something — ”

“okay. it’s not like that.”

the conviction in soonyoung’s voice and the sincerity on his face nearly knocks all the wind out of jihoon’s lungs. it just felt so strong and reassuring all at once that damn it, now he doesn’t know what to say. he didn’t think he’d get this far.

“…is this what _that_ was about?” in that moment, it almost seemed too scary to say anything. but he knows what he’s talking about. it _has_ to be that. jihoon finds the courage in him to nod, and soonyoung’s expression softens. it’s a breath of fresh air but he isn’t sure what it is, exactly.

“yeah,” jihoon finally says, planting his feet right on the ground and standing up straight. back into action. finish what’s been started. “the other song i posted…the one on woozi…it took a while to figure it out, but it’s everything that i’ve wanted to tell you all this time. i’ve finished it.”

soonyoung’s eyes don’t stray away from jihoon’s, but he doesn’t move, either. it’s an unconscious staring contest except it’s not all fun and games and they can blink. it’s trying to figure out if the other person means what they say.

‘what kind of future’ is near pessimistic. it’s a longing for something that’s just within reach but never being able to hold it. it’s trying to figure out what to do without it. jihoon doesn’t know what he’d do if he had to think of a future where he’s burned his bridges and soonyoung isn’t there. his whole life felt like it was leading up just to meet soonyoung, and now he’s too greedy to let him go. he doesn’t want to. the feeling he gets with soonyoung is damn near irreplaceable.

“…i never got mad, soonyoung, because i loved you.” boom. there it was. right in the open. there’s no taking it back now. it’s one of those heat of the moment things that felt right except he planned this one, sort of. it’s a cliche in stories that feels terrifying and cathartic at the same thing, and he’s definitely feeling both of those emotions at once. “and that made me want to get all of this bullshit over with just so i could keep being in love with you. i wanted to finish the bad times to be with you in the good times. that’s it. _please_ prove me wrong. prove to me that it’s okay to feel this way because it’s a whole damn experience that i wouldn’t be putting up with if it weren’t for _you_.”

soonyoung laughs. even through all of that, he’s able to laugh. jihoon blinks in his confusion, wondering if he’s said something incredibly embarrassing is soonyoung’s laughing _this_ long and doubling over. after what felt like ages, soonyoung’s laughter dies down, and he wipes away tears from his eyes before getting really, really close. like, right up in jihoon’s face kind of close. he’s literally a centimeter away. _oh my god —_

“you’re wrong.” his voice is almost like a whisper. jihoon raises an eyebrow. “oh my god, sorry, i didn’t mean to laugh. i just didn’t think this would happen. you’re wrong. you’re so wrong, lee jihoon.”

“oh yeah?” jihoon closes a bit more distance between them. how bold. “how?”

“because all of that was an excuse. i admit it. it was a bad excuse.”

“okay.”

“but i made that excuse to talk to you.”

“…okay.”

“i’ve always wanted to talk to you, lee jihoon.”

“what?”

“it’s because i feel the same way. i always have.”

he can’t compute right now. jihoon’s stopped working. _wait what did he just say what does that mean hello?_

soonyoung knocks on jihoon’s dorm room door. his smile is so tempting. “let’s go inside.”

* * *

**_fall showcase, last year._ **

“how are you feeling?”

“ready. ready!” soonyoung clears his throat when he looks around and notices that people are staring at him. he’s too loud. “i’m ready as i’ll ever be. i’m excited. i’m pumped. i’m ready to crush this showcase.”

“…you look distracted, though?” of course wonwoo could see right through him. “what’s up?”

taking the stage is someone that’s straight up beautiful. he only has a guitar and his voice, but _god_ does it sound so good. it’s music to his ears — literally. he finds this person’s expressions while singing so endearing. he looks like he’s enjoying himself. he looks like this is what he wants to do in life. and it’s only _him_ on stage, too; he’s a solo act. that takes some courage, and for that, he’s got soonyoung’s respect and attention. and also his heart.

someone would say that he fell too easily, but he doesn’t give a damn. he’s more than happy to. whoever this was just felt so _right_.

he wonders why he’s never seen this person before, and immediately he wants to know everything about him. he wants to get to know him. he’s completely enamored and all he can do and stare as he sings and plays guitars and continues to be the most handsome person he’s ever seen in his life. soonyoung’s never felt this way before. it’s kind of nice.

it wouldn’t be him if he didn’t go full speed ahead.

“okay.” soonyoung turns his attention from the god of a human being and back to wonwoo. suddenly, soonyoung’s really glad that he’s backstage. he may be performing soon, but he’s got a good view of this person. it works out. “who is that?”

“him?” wonwoo points, and when soonyoung nods, he clicks his tongue. “seriously? you’re about to perform your choreography for the first time and you’re doing this?”

“so you _do_ know him.”

“sort of. seungcheol does. he’s lee jihoon.” lee jihoon. even his name sounds pretty. “he’s a first year. i heard he’s a producer? i guess he is. seungcheol got him to write a song for our group.”

“he must be good, huh…”

“biased much?”

“alright. i’m sick of looking at you.” soonyoung looks back to the stage, back at the object of his newfound affection, back at lee jihoon. it’s hard not to focus on him. his mind’s going crazy. it’s going kind of stupid, too. “you know what? i think i like him.”

* * *

“how about this one?”

“does it allow pets?”

“you want _pets_?”

“well, eventually.” soonyoung glances over the pictures with his extremely detailed eye, nodding when he sees something nice (“i like that shade of blue”) and shaking his head when he sees something he doesn’t like (“i don’t like the layout”). “i kind of want a turtle. we should get a turtle, jihoon.”

“a turtle?” jihoon looks from over his shoulder, his gaze easily finding soonyoung’s face. “why a turtle?”

“they’re cute. let’s name it franklin.” that makes soonyoung laugh, and he scrolls down the page, hovering over jihoon naturally. he reads through the bullet points of the place before his smile widens. it’s cute. “it _does_ allow pets! let’s go here!”

“uh, but have you seen the _price_?” jihoon taps his finger on the screen, pouting. “that’s _a lot_. we’d have to work extra hours if we want that one.”

“jihoonie.”

that gets jihoon’s attention. he locks eyes with soonyoung, and they’re as playful as ever, a glimmer that he just won’t get tired of. he’s glad that he gets to see him every single day, whenever he wants. he’s glad to call soonyoung his.

“if you love me,” soonyoung says in his teasing serious voice, “we go to the apartment that allows for pets.”

“hey, i do love you.” he says that whenever he wants to, but each time is just a bit embarrassing. it’s getting better, though. “i’m just thinking logically here. we’re going to be living there for god knows how long, so we might as well make it possible.”

“hehe, i know.” soonyoung runs his fingers through jihoon’s hair. it’s really nice, but he messes it up a bit, too. jihoon doesn’t mind. “i’m excited, you know. this’ll be fun. i’ll be living with my boyfriend! you know, it’d be easier for us to write songs together.”

“oh my god!” he’s faking surprise. “i can’t believe that you want to live with me because of just that.”

“hey, you know that’s not true.”

soonyoung goes back to reading the bullet points, _really_ paying attention this time to all the details. looking for a place to live is a tedious task, but jihoon’s glad to share this experience with soonyoung, along with so many other things.

“jihoonie…it says this is a one bedroom.”

“yeah.”

“…that’s all you’re going to say?”

“hey, idiot, we already share the same bed. we might as well share the same bedroom, too. why are you so surprised?”

the flustered look on soonyoung’s face is priceless. jihoon’s looking forward to more of those in the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my god where do i begin
> 
> i finally finished this. it took a good 7-8 months, but it's finished.  
> it's probably the longest thing i've written...which says a lot about my stamina (lol).  
> it went through a ton of changes but i think it's a satisfying end.  
> thank you for sticking with me. ;v; i really appreciate it.
> 
> i don't think i'll write a fic with chapters for a good while but. i've got a bunch of prompts sitting in my file so let's see what happens!


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